[ Low, soft, still disorientedly attempting to navigate and make sense of anything. Could it be that simple? That the offering of part of Yzak's own life that now burns in Blue tied him here? That it just ... naturally drew itself back where it belonged when he'd left? Something possible but unknown to any of them - even Viv and Degar because if they knew they'd have told him, right? (there were ... many things kept from them, though, some only coming to light when there was no other choice) ]
All we knew, is that you were gone. [ And the weight behind that gone is heavy. There one moment, vanished in the next, just like so many others. Only those others ... at least left a comfort in the knowledge that they had somewhere to return to because they were still alive in their own worlds. There was no flicker of warming light like that for him when it felt as though darkness reared up out of nowhere and swallowed him whole.
And now, suddenly after all that time in it he feels like he's blinded by everything illuminating all at once.
Looking at Blue now, after all this time, after all of the painful truths forced into him and after begrudgingly, mournfully having to accept that reality and the fact that he could do nothing after all he did do just to see it crumble... ]
[Blue's cloudy gaze fixes on Yzak's face, at risk to losing focus of the physical since the pull of anguish is very, very strong. he can't let himself tip forward and fall into that; he's being relied upon. for so long, he'd had been weak, even with all that was asked of him. he has to do better now, despite the fear that is seeded in him from the notion of being simply dead. dead to all who loved him, save for one.
no one else...
no one believes he's alive anymore.
it hurts.
put it aside. think only of what's in front.]
...Now you can. [his hands squeeze a little at his back.]
[ Once Yzak's own mind can clear up, catch up, readjust and come to terms with everything happening right now he can help assuage the sting of those barbs in Blue with at least some slightly optimistic news. Unintended but unfortunate, as Yzak's psyche itself has felt wrapped in thorny vines, squeezing and pricking at his heart, so such closeness only assures that it cuts anything that comes too near.
Now he can.
He feels himself wanting to crack all over again (and he's not even recovered!), swallowing hard in an attempt to not cry any more in response to the assurance. Now he can. Suddenly the things he wished for, looked forward to, wanted to do are a possibility, a reality again? It's hard to embrace because they've been long buried and mourned, and the path ahead of him since then without them seemed so desolate and unknown. Something he'd never had in his life before; even if there was a 'future' set for him whether he wanted it or not, there was still something there. Until he realized he wanted something there that he chose.
And now all of those long-buried things ... he has to go back, dig them up, put them back into place and remember where they all fit.
But the fact that he has to go back. The fact that now he can...
Maybe it won't be as hard and as confusing as it all feels right now. Because Blue is here. A piece of his own life and his own soul that had been missing this entire time has returned to him, and somehow his chest despite the hammering of his heart feels a little lighter now. ]
Now I can.
[ He whispers an echo of those words through a tight, cracking voice, eyes closing and tipping his head in to lean his forehead against Blue's. The comfort in that motion eases his weariness some - though he knows he's fine because he has this support and (he's still Yzak Jule he can handle it, he can handle it).
Dawn is breaking, a soft wind slightly tousles his hair. The outdoors feels too uncomfortable and vulnerable right now and everything must feel doubly so for Blue who'd spent these days or weeks alone with little to seek refuge and safety in and nowhere to go and noone to turn to and god he's been in Yzak's home in their dreams he could have just fucking hidden in the attic or something. Regardless, that lack of refuge is quickly rectified in the short return to the Jule Residence at Yzak's insistence; he doesn't want to be out here, he doesn't want Blue to remain out here as that urge kicks in to provide that safer haven for him. Familiar walls that Blue isn't the only one refamiliarizing himself with as real now because Yzak only just returned himself! He feels like an outcast in an entirely different way, and even some of the times he looks at Blue (which in the interim is a lot because he has to make sure he's still there) he feels that weight of time passed.
And in that time hang so many questions. So many things to learn, figure out, to catch up on, to speak of and to ask.
But right now, as Yzak remains close to Blue like a satellite both out of that niggling fear that he'll dissappear and out of concern: ]
Do you want to change? [ He's got plenty of plainclothes and robes and things much more comfortable than whatever Blue was able to procure. ] I'll get you something to drink.
[dead to everyone, save one. alive, but only for one.
dead to everyone...
Blue lets Yzak guide him without protest - this is his world, and really, it's through his will and his life that Blue is here at all. he's...dead to everyone. the uneasy reality is fueled by Yzak's own simmering anxieties and uncertainties about the state of reality as it stands now - the fear of disappearance, of being dead. just like for everyone else.
his expression is withdrawn, rather haunted, but his attention fixes and focuses when prompted. he watches Yzak for a beat before answering.]
I want to kiss you. And I want you to touch me. [to reaffirm he's real and alive. unlike everywhere else.]
[ The question to Blue was posed as Yzak stepped around him once inside, hand on one shoulder sliding over his back to the other with the intent to keep moving. But there Blue speaks so he stops, looking at him and in this brighter light of his home he can make out every little detail in the other man's expression, still beautiful, always as such even through the tiredness in those striking eyes and the ... ache? that looks as though it's just touching the surface of his face.
He stares back at him for a beat, as if trying to glean everything beneath the surface while own his heart nervously flutters in his chest. Kissing? In this existential crisis? He realizes how much he suddenly feels like some kind of awkward kissing virgin because it's been so long and feels so far away and yet all this time he's been yearning for it - contradictory emotions colliding and confusing.
And yet through those thoughts the expression returned to Blue is soft if not slightly taken aback, focus so intensely on him that that alone could prove that he's real because in doing that it affirms it again for Yzak as well. ]
Blue...
[ Another beat, and that hand slides to the back of his neck to pull him in, as he turns in full to meet him for a proper, tight (reaffirming) embrace. ]
[ The arms around him prompt a soft breath out of Yzak, and his fingers move from the back of Blue's neck, to his jaw and up to his cheek to rest there. ]
I'm— I know. I know you're here, I know you're real.
[ And there is that unmistakable power of assuredness in his voice, not unfamiliar from the ways he's in the past tried to keep his head above water, keep his eyes ahead even if doubt tried to weigh him down and drag him backwards. Because it exists here, too, long-tied up to him and trying to consume. ]
It just feels... [ Those fingers curl slightly, his brow pinching. ] like everything's been turned upside-down again. [ The feelings behind those words, though, don't imply that as a bad thing. Simply a lot. Confusing. Overwhelming. ] After the first time, which never even felt like it completely settled, but I still had to figure out what to do from there.
Even back then I didn't believe it - when you disappeared. [ He feels his jaw, and thus his voice, tighten. ] I was confused, I was still recovering so I kept telling myself, I'm just imagining it, it's just the painkillers fucking with me, I'm just tired. But when you never came back ... every time I woke up expecting to see you there next to me...!
[ He's close to yelling by the end of that, old anguishes building up as if they were brand new upon recalling them. But just as they build, they settle just as quickly when he stops speaking. ]
It was like a nightmare. Only that was the reality. And so many times since then I've been reminded of that.
Now I'm home again. And even that feels unbelievable, after so long. But ... I felt the wind outside, I hear the cars in the distance, I can smell the flowers down the hall and I can see the world moving outside of my window. So despite how unbelievable it feels, I know it's real.
And you... [ His fingers relax again, brushing at a strand of Blue's hair. ] I can hear you. I can see you. I can feel you. So just the same, regardless of how it feels, I know.
[like any healing balm, which stings upon first contact, Yzak's insistence hurts to be subject to. but it's real. Blue, his expression pinching with some of that anguish, shifts a bit further upon being touched. his mouth tightens into a thin line as the fingers sweep at hair obscuring sight of him, and it prompts a few tears to quietly slip by disregarded.
he can't erase the torments Yzak speaks of, because doing so would erase himself; hadn't his power to remove memories started him along this path anyway? no more of it.
quietly, in a tone that quivers:] I've been here. [waiting, for however long it was.]
[ Those tears are regarded by Yzak, his thumb automatically swiping over Blue's cheek to wipe it away. (just the one side; he's not too keen on the cold metal of his right to cup his face and do the same, it instead wound around his back) Sparks of familiarity of doing this so many - too many - times in the past ignite again. Similar to the thought Blue has; no more. If they're here, if they've come all this way, all this time regardless of everything else, once they find that solid ground beneath their feet again, once they regain their balance and step forward together into a future that ... suddenly for Yzak seems possible again... no more. At least no more of those tears born of anguish, strife and suffering. There's been too much of that. Blue deserves something ... good. Better. Like he always has. Like he should have had all this time.
And Yzak, too ... maybe he can begin again, to look back at those things he wanted for himself.
Those torments will ebb. Eventually, but they will. And Yzak's at least made it clear many times in the past where retaining memories is concerned, and angrily, at that. For even the bad ones, the ones that still and will occasionally come up to haunt him ... they're parts of him, and he doesn't wish to lose any part of himself.
Keeping his gaze steadfast into those ruby eyes, Yzak's head tips a little. ]
... I hope I haven't kept you waiting. [ Hilarious, coming from him right now. Yet that curious earnestness is there. ] How long?
[ Yzak's been gone for a long time, but upon everything he's checked upon his return, he's basically come back to where he'd left in the first place. So the discrepancy ... it shouldn't be that large, right? Even his phone had a couple of texts on it from Dearka that he had to get back to. He was planning to get back to them today. He was planning to at least begin to look into a number of things that he was expected to pick up right before he left for the Ximilia.
But now he has more immediately important things to see to. ]
[there's a faint beat of frustration in Blue that moves him to silence further questions with a kiss. he'd made it clear that's what he wanted earlier, hadn't he? and if it's a matter of waiting, he can cut through that this way.]
[ There it is again; the simultaneous feeling of familiarity and time-worn ... foreignness that the kiss brings. Like many other things, this ... was something that'd been put aside, reluctantly and painfully accepted as something he'd never experience again.
And yet there and is and Yzak feels his nerves light up with that bit of grounding that he still needs himself. His body and soul both remember this - never having forgotten in the first place; always there but simply muted and immediately drawn back to life now. Every little detail from the way Blue's lips feel to the way his own head tips just a bit, and how every part of him seems to just perfectly fit against him slides back into place as if reminding Yzak it's how it should be.
Still, this close and through half-lidded blue eyes those tears that he didn't get a chance to relieve Blue of are all the more noticeable. And just as importantly as even that:
Of course it matters. Were there not so much to reckon with that thought would come with one of those Yzak-exclusive affectionate 'idiot's, but the notion of the emphasis on that of course always comes pre-baked into a declaration like that. That, and right now, he thinks as the fingers cupping Blue's face splay and curl, everything does. Every little thing, right now, is so very important. ]
[the relief is mutual, though perhaps a bit uneven given how much more one suffered than the other. Blue's nature makes it so that pain finds its way to be equally felt, however, so Yzak's eyes aren't the only ones wet.
gripping at the back of his shirt, he presses close, and after the shock of first contact has ebbed he kisses as greedily as he's known to.]
Kiss me until it doesn't hurt you to anymore, Yzak. [until the first thing Blue feels isn't pain.]
[ It's not exactly a humorous thought (and even on a good day, his humor tends to run pretty dry anyway), and even the lightheartedness it might usually have is a bit frayed, but the thought comes anyway, carrying with it some levity: that if he did that, or even simply wished to make up for every kiss that he feels he missed, he'd quite possibly never move from this spot again.
But it tames - or more accurately, the hurt slowly continues to dull with each passing moment that he isn't actually awakening from a dream or finding himself as the butt of fate's colossal joke. It pulses and stings as any pain would, but it's being tended to, the sharpness of those actions receding bit by bit. The kiss likewise a balm for him even if his mind is still swirling with questions.
He takes a moment when the kiss breaks, keeping close and looking into Blue's eyes for a long moment. He leans in to press his lips against his face to kiss over those tears he skipped over due to his hand as he mumbles. ]
Like it'd ever hurt ... to kiss you... [ Because even with the shroud of everything that'd been existing in him all this time, this? Could never. ]
[ Yzak lets out a soft breath, because that smile, small as it is, is more powerful right now than it has any right to be. He dips briefly back down to kiss at the corner of Blue's mouth, and would that he could simply do this forever. Well, he could, he thinks, but as much as this helps in its own right to set into him and assure him and in turn give Blue the anchoring that he needs for the time being, it can't do it all on its own. Not when Yzak's mind is still moving and turning every thought around - and as always with him, he thinks and thinks because he seeks that clarity until he can make sense of things. ]
Blue. [ Softly, but steadfast, tipping his chin back just a bit. ] Tell me ... or show me. What happened; when you got here, how you remember getting here. Where ... have you been keeping yourself? Have you been safe? [ That last statement spills out just as the thought blooms. ]
[there's some recoil to the ask; Blue's expression grows somber, even as he nods. he truly doesn't want to think about it, given...well...by most other metrics than the physiological, he was dead. to everyone who mattered - even the Yzak of the time and place before his Yzak appeared at last.]
I woke. From sleeping there...to here, in this world. [and is that not enough?
of course it isn't. not for someone as keen to detail and information as Yzak. for once, Blue wishes it were enough.]
Without knowing how the people of this world would react to someone with my gifts, I shielded myself from perception...and steered far from public places, lest surveillance take me into account. [he can't mentally manipulate tech, after all.]
[ Of course it's not. Information, understanding, both are what his mind and his heart search for. What they always search for. Especially when it comes to others around him, moreso when they're this important. He still remembers those words once spoken to him clearly, it's difficult to know the thoughts and feelings inside someone's heart. It'd made Yzak realize that instead of just accepting unknowns like that, he wanted to find them, know them.
So he nods.
How would the Coordinators here react to Blue? Yzak ... truly doesn't know, if he thinks about it. One could assume there'd be a camaraderie due to the fact that he and Blue had spoken of the similarities in how baselines humans saw them. But, Coordinators are still very human, full of biases and superiority and certainly jealousy and fear would factor into that if they came across a race they deemed more advanced than even them...
... no, it's no matter. At least for right now. Much like, he thinks, there's not much matter in worrying about Blue being picked up or discovered by anything. Can't detect or look for what doesn't exist (or didnt exist, now, technically...?). So just as quickly as those thoughts creep into his already busy mind, they're cut away. It's no matter at this moment in the safety of his home.
His home ... hopefully serving as a place and assurance of security for Blue, now. Especially given... ]
You were alone out there. [ The thought is accompanied by a small pang to his heart, because he knows full well that Blue loves, thrives on connection. He still wasn't keen on even brief solitude when his power blipped out and left him in mental silence, either. And to have awakened by himself ahead of Yzak's own return, whether it was just a matter of days or weeks, and navigate what he could all by himself... ]
But... [ As he pulls in a breath he sees the life in the other man's eyes and feels the warmth of his skin on his fingertips, it reminds him of the vitality Blue possesses now. A vitality that he nearly forgets is there because neither of them actually got to truly experience it, celebrate it, after how hard and for how long they both fought for it. (not to mention looking at Blue and his bony ass doesn't do any favors) And even that physical part of it aside ... Blue is strong. He's resilient, smart, two of what could surely be an endless list of things that Yzak fell in love with about him. So he speaks outloud to amend the thought. ]
Of course you could handle something like that. [ Even if he shouldn't have had to, he thinks when he says that. And even if this, here, now, is what was always preferable to it. What it should have always been. Regardless, as that hand on his face slides back into his hair and the steel arm around Blue's back tightens to pull him back into a close embrace, the most important fact rings loudest in his mind to wrap around the both of them. That Blue isn't alone anymore.
I wouldn't have had that will in the first place, [ Muffled as he tips his own head against Blue's, face half buried against his hair. ] if not for you.
[ The strength of that will was as strong as it was because of Blue. Blue supporting him, accepting him, loving him. His wishes always an echo in Yzak's mind like a wind behind his back pushing him on; that he wanted to live, that he wanted more time. They'd echoed for so long later, like a plague, reminding him that he'd still lost everything and failed even though he'd succeeded.
Hearing it now, that he's alive because of it, that it wasn't all done in vain like he'd believed all this time...
The bridge of distance and time still feels like something swaying beneath Yzak's feet. All it does is sway, though, it does not snap and break, strong enough to remain on and move across to where they can both stand together on solid ground again when the winds of shock die down. ]
It's been so long. [ He curls in against Blue a bit, that hold tightening on him. ] A year - and a half. Since then. [ Since everything he'd given so much up for crumbled in his grasp.
So now it feels as though he's hanging onto the most precious treasure in the universe. Which, in Yzak's case, he is. After thinking he'd lost it forever. ] ... And so much has happened.
[exhaling only gives Yzak's embrace chance to tighten and constrict, and the hold does hurt faintly...in a consoling way. he's walked with heartache for so long in varied forms, Yzak's absence and the loss of his bonds from the station being the latest that there is a certain numbness to some of the greater stings until this embrace.
good. he shouldn't turn to stone.]
...I'll see it all. When you wish to show it to me.
[ Even a statement like that stirs at his heart, the fondness it carries alongside the nostalgia of how many times he's said it before a comfort because he can say it again now. ]
Not from you. [ A weak, lighthearted double-meaning there; because he literally can't, because he wouldn't even want to anyway. ]
[Blue shifts, slipping his arms between them to push away enough that he can look Yzak in the eye. it's not like he can't feel the sincerity as it is, but the physical element is something of a punctuation mark to it.
that...and he just wants to see his face up close again, scars and all.
see and kiss him - a couple careful ones before pressing in with earnest, bringing his hands up to his face.]
I missed you.
[and the prospect of seeing all that he's been missing from right now is...too much.]
[ Blue shifts and Yzak moves in tandem, hand in his hair slipping to rest on his shoulder, hand around his back easing up to catch his elbow.
This close he can see his own reflection in those striking eyes, something he's seen so many times before, painting the tiny vision of himself in red, dyeing his own eyes amethyst, and something else he's grateful to see again.
Just as that thought rushes up inside of him, because every single thing he feels is still so much, Blue kisses him again. And it's good that he can't speak in that moment, because a mirroring of the sentiment in words would be laughably impossible. The depth of how much Yzak's missed him is bottomless, because there was no end to it. Something he'd have to carry to his own grave along with so many others he'd lost.
Both hands squeeze where they are, firm, but not painfully, as if emphasizing that emotion. But now Blue's here - they're here and they'll never have to miss each other again. ]
And you remember. [ Fears that were present even back before he'd disappeared, and fears that remained, still fresh and recent when Yzak recalls them. ] Even in the end, we weren't sure if we'd remember any of it. [ A light passing of shame; because in his worse times, when try as he might the pain of Blue's absence became so strong Yzak wondered if it'd just be easier to forget it all in the end. Just return home none the wiser and continue his life, even if that life and where it was headed wasn't something he really wanted.
It never won out. How could it? When the pain was a reflection of the love and all of the good that caused it. When he'd already long decided to live and carry his sins and his hurts because it was all he could do to, in order to carry on and make a difference here.
That ... and because it'd be an insult to forget Blue. More than anything else, he wanted to honor him, all this time he's done his best to honor him as best he could. In his actions, his words, in who he simply is now thanks to the way Blue's affected his heart. ]
I am through with forgetting...being forgotten... [being a ghost. the notion is poison in him, and he can only squirm and resist it inwardly, outwardly, and find consolation in Yzak's arms and mouth, pressing in greedily, desperately.]
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no subject
Where I was...
[...]
If that were true, then...there'd be nowhere to go. [because he was already dead to them there.]
But...
If part of why I'm alive...is because of that wish, then...the life in me is back here, where it was supposed to be, right?
[just in a different body.]
no subject
[ Low, soft, still disorientedly attempting to navigate and make sense of anything. Could it be that simple? That the offering of part of Yzak's own life that now burns in Blue tied him here? That it just ... naturally drew itself back where it belonged when he'd left? Something possible but unknown to any of them - even Viv and Degar because if they knew they'd have told him, right? (there were ... many things kept from them, though, some only coming to light when there was no other choice) ]
All we knew, is that you were gone. [ And the weight behind that gone is heavy. There one moment, vanished in the next, just like so many others. Only those others ... at least left a comfort in the knowledge that they had somewhere to return to because they were still alive in their own worlds. There was no flicker of warming light like that for him when it felt as though darkness reared up out of nowhere and swallowed him whole.
And now, suddenly after all that time in it he feels like he's blinded by everything illuminating all at once.
Looking at Blue now, after all this time, after all of the painful truths forced into him and after begrudgingly, mournfully having to accept that reality and the fact that he could do nothing after all he did do just to see it crumble... ]
I thought I'd never see you again.
no subject
no one else...
no one believes he's alive anymore.
it hurts.
put it aside. think only of what's in front.]
...Now you can. [his hands squeeze a little at his back.]
no subject
Now he can.
He feels himself wanting to crack all over again (and he's not even recovered!), swallowing hard in an attempt to not cry any more in response to the assurance. Now he can. Suddenly the things he wished for, looked forward to, wanted to do are a possibility, a reality again? It's hard to embrace because they've been long buried and mourned, and the path ahead of him since then without them seemed so desolate and unknown. Something he'd never had in his life before; even if there was a 'future' set for him whether he wanted it or not, there was still something there. Until he realized he wanted something there that he chose.
And now all of those long-buried things ... he has to go back, dig them up, put them back into place and remember where they all fit.
But the fact that he has to go back. The fact that now he can...
Maybe it won't be as hard and as confusing as it all feels right now. Because Blue is here. A piece of his own life and his own soul that had been missing this entire time has returned to him, and somehow his chest despite the hammering of his heart feels a little lighter now. ]
Now I can.
[ He whispers an echo of those words through a tight, cracking voice, eyes closing and tipping his head in to lean his forehead against Blue's. The comfort in that motion eases his weariness some - though he knows he's fine because he has this support and (he's still Yzak Jule he can handle it, he can handle it).
Dawn is breaking, a soft wind slightly tousles his hair. The outdoors feels too uncomfortable and vulnerable right now and everything must feel doubly so for Blue who'd spent these days or weeks alone with little to seek refuge and safety in and nowhere to go and noone to turn to and god he's been in Yzak's home in their dreams he could have just fucking hidden in the attic or something. Regardless, that lack of refuge is quickly rectified in the short return to the Jule Residence at Yzak's insistence; he doesn't want to be out here, he doesn't want Blue to remain out here as that urge kicks in to provide that safer haven for him. Familiar walls that Blue isn't the only one refamiliarizing himself with as real now because Yzak only just returned himself! He feels like an outcast in an entirely different way, and even some of the times he looks at Blue (which in the interim is a lot because he has to make sure he's still there) he feels that weight of time passed.
And in that time hang so many questions. So many things to learn, figure out, to catch up on, to speak of and to ask.
But right now, as Yzak remains close to Blue like a satellite both out of that niggling fear that he'll dissappear and out of concern: ]
Do you want to change? [ He's got plenty of plainclothes and robes and things much more comfortable than whatever Blue was able to procure. ] I'll get you something to drink.
no subject
dead to everyone...
Blue lets Yzak guide him without protest - this is his world, and really, it's through his will and his life that Blue is here at all. he's...dead to everyone. the uneasy reality is fueled by Yzak's own simmering anxieties and uncertainties about the state of reality as it stands now - the fear of disappearance, of being dead. just like for everyone else.
his expression is withdrawn, rather haunted, but his attention fixes and focuses when prompted. he watches Yzak for a beat before answering.]
I want to kiss you. And I want you to touch me. [to reaffirm he's real and alive. unlike everywhere else.]
no subject
He stares back at him for a beat, as if trying to glean everything beneath the surface while own his heart nervously flutters in his chest. Kissing? In this existential crisis? He realizes how much he suddenly feels like some kind of awkward kissing virgin because it's been so long and feels so far away and yet all this time he's been yearning for it - contradictory emotions colliding and confusing.
And yet through those thoughts the expression returned to Blue is soft if not slightly taken aback, focus so intensely on him that that alone could prove that he's real because in doing that it affirms it again for Yzak as well. ]
Blue...
[ Another beat, and that hand slides to the back of his neck to pull him in, as he turns in full to meet him for a proper, tight (reaffirming) embrace. ]
no subject
Whatever is necessary...to prove I am real. Do it. Until you're certain.
[because that will cement him in reality to one person, and it must be one who matters so much.]
no subject
I'm— I know. I know you're here, I know you're real.
[ And there is that unmistakable power of assuredness in his voice, not unfamiliar from the ways he's in the past tried to keep his head above water, keep his eyes ahead even if doubt tried to weigh him down and drag him backwards. Because it exists here, too, long-tied up to him and trying to consume. ]
It just feels... [ Those fingers curl slightly, his brow pinching. ] like everything's been turned upside-down again. [ The feelings behind those words, though, don't imply that as a bad thing. Simply a lot. Confusing. Overwhelming. ] After the first time, which never even felt like it completely settled, but I still had to figure out what to do from there.
Even back then I didn't believe it - when you disappeared. [ He feels his jaw, and thus his voice, tighten. ] I was confused, I was still recovering so I kept telling myself, I'm just imagining it, it's just the painkillers fucking with me, I'm just tired. But when you never came back ... every time I woke up expecting to see you there next to me...!
[ He's close to yelling by the end of that, old anguishes building up as if they were brand new upon recalling them. But just as they build, they settle just as quickly when he stops speaking. ]
It was like a nightmare. Only that was the reality. And so many times since then I've been reminded of that.
Now I'm home again. And even that feels unbelievable, after so long. But ... I felt the wind outside, I hear the cars in the distance, I can smell the flowers down the hall and I can see the world moving outside of my window. So despite how unbelievable it feels, I know it's real.
And you... [ His fingers relax again, brushing at a strand of Blue's hair. ] I can hear you. I can see you. I can feel you. So just the same, regardless of how it feels, I know.
no subject
he can't erase the torments Yzak speaks of, because doing so would erase himself; hadn't his power to remove memories started him along this path anyway? no more of it.
quietly, in a tone that quivers:] I've been here. [waiting, for however long it was.]
no subject
And Yzak, too ... maybe he can begin again, to look back at those things he wanted for himself.
Those torments will ebb. Eventually, but they will. And Yzak's at least made it clear many times in the past where retaining memories is concerned, and angrily, at that. For even the bad ones, the ones that still and will occasionally come up to haunt him ... they're parts of him, and he doesn't wish to lose any part of himself.
Keeping his gaze steadfast into those ruby eyes, Yzak's head tips a little. ]
... I hope I haven't kept you waiting. [ Hilarious, coming from him right now. Yet that curious earnestness is there. ] How long?
[ Yzak's been gone for a long time, but upon everything he's checked upon his return, he's basically come back to where he'd left in the first place. So the discrepancy ... it shouldn't be that large, right? Even his phone had a couple of texts on it from Dearka that he had to get back to. He was planning to get back to them today. He was planning to at least begin to look into a number of things that he was expected to pick up right before he left for the Ximilia.
But now he has more immediately important things to see to. ]
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It doesn't matter.
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And yet there and is and Yzak feels his nerves light up with that bit of grounding that he still needs himself. His body and soul both remember this - never having forgotten in the first place; always there but simply muted and immediately drawn back to life now. Every little detail from the way Blue's lips feel to the way his own head tips just a bit, and how every part of him seems to just perfectly fit against him slides back into place as if reminding Yzak it's how it should be.
Still, this close and through half-lidded blue eyes those tears that he didn't get a chance to relieve Blue of are all the more noticeable. And just as importantly as even that:
Of course it matters. Were there not so much to reckon with that thought would come with one of those Yzak-exclusive affectionate 'idiot's, but the notion of the emphasis on that of course always comes pre-baked into a declaration like that. That, and right now, he thinks as the fingers cupping Blue's face splay and curl, everything does. Every little thing, right now, is so very important. ]
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gripping at the back of his shirt, he presses close, and after the shock of first contact has ebbed he kisses as greedily as he's known to.]
Kiss me until it doesn't hurt you to anymore, Yzak. [until the first thing Blue feels isn't pain.]
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But it tames - or more accurately, the hurt slowly continues to dull with each passing moment that he isn't actually awakening from a dream or finding himself as the butt of fate's colossal joke. It pulses and stings as any pain would, but it's being tended to, the sharpness of those actions receding bit by bit. The kiss likewise a balm for him even if his mind is still swirling with questions.
He takes a moment when the kiss breaks, keeping close and looking into Blue's eyes for a long moment. He leans in to press his lips against his face to kiss over those tears he skipped over due to his hand as he mumbles. ]
Like it'd ever hurt ... to kiss you... [ Because even with the shroud of everything that'd been existing in him all this time, this? Could never. ]
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Then don't stop.
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Blue. [ Softly, but steadfast, tipping his chin back just a bit. ] Tell me ... or show me. What happened; when you got here, how you remember getting here. Where ... have you been keeping yourself? Have you been safe? [ That last statement spills out just as the thought blooms. ]
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I woke. From sleeping there...to here, in this world. [and is that not enough?
of course it isn't. not for someone as keen to detail and information as Yzak. for once, Blue wishes it were enough.]
Without knowing how the people of this world would react to someone with my gifts, I shielded myself from perception...and steered far from public places, lest surveillance take me into account. [he can't mentally manipulate tech, after all.]
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So he nods.
How would the Coordinators here react to Blue? Yzak ... truly doesn't know, if he thinks about it. One could assume there'd be a camaraderie due to the fact that he and Blue had spoken of the similarities in how baselines humans saw them. But, Coordinators are still very human, full of biases and superiority and certainly jealousy and fear would factor into that if they came across a race they deemed more advanced than even them...
... no, it's no matter. At least for right now. Much like, he thinks, there's not much matter in worrying about Blue being picked up or discovered by anything. Can't detect or look for what doesn't exist (or didnt exist, now, technically...?). So just as quickly as those thoughts creep into his already busy mind, they're cut away. It's no matter at this moment in the safety of his home.
His home ... hopefully serving as a place and assurance of security for Blue, now. Especially given... ]
You were alone out there. [ The thought is accompanied by a small pang to his heart, because he knows full well that Blue loves, thrives on connection. He still wasn't keen on even brief solitude when his power blipped out and left him in mental silence, either. And to have awakened by himself ahead of Yzak's own return, whether it was just a matter of days or weeks, and navigate what he could all by himself... ]
But... [ As he pulls in a breath he sees the life in the other man's eyes and feels the warmth of his skin on his fingertips, it reminds him of the vitality Blue possesses now. A vitality that he nearly forgets is there because neither of them actually got to truly experience it, celebrate it, after how hard and for how long they both fought for it. (not to mention looking at Blue and his bony ass doesn't do any favors) And even that physical part of it aside ... Blue is strong. He's resilient, smart, two of what could surely be an endless list of things that Yzak fell in love with about him. So he speaks outloud to amend the thought. ]
Of course you could handle something like that. [ Even if he shouldn't have had to, he thinks when he says that. And even if this, here, now, is what was always preferable to it. What it should have always been. Regardless, as that hand on his face slides back into his hair and the steel arm around Blue's back tightens to pull him back into a close embrace, the most important fact rings loudest in his mind to wrap around the both of them. That Blue isn't alone anymore.
...
He isn't alone anymore. ]
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[his gaze is somber, but unwavering.]
Because I am only alive because of it. I can do nothing less...than live. [even if it meant living in exile, alone.]
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[ The strength of that will was as strong as it was because of Blue. Blue supporting him, accepting him, loving him. His wishes always an echo in Yzak's mind like a wind behind his back pushing him on; that he wanted to live, that he wanted more time. They'd echoed for so long later, like a plague, reminding him that he'd still lost everything and failed even though he'd succeeded.
Hearing it now, that he's alive because of it, that it wasn't all done in vain like he'd believed all this time...
The bridge of distance and time still feels like something swaying beneath Yzak's feet. All it does is sway, though, it does not snap and break, strong enough to remain on and move across to where they can both stand together on solid ground again when the winds of shock die down. ]
It's been so long. [ He curls in against Blue a bit, that hold tightening on him. ] A year - and a half. Since then. [ Since everything he'd given so much up for crumbled in his grasp.
So now it feels as though he's hanging onto the most precious treasure in the universe. Which, in Yzak's case, he is. After thinking he'd lost it forever. ] ... And so much has happened.
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good. he shouldn't turn to stone.]
...I'll see it all. When you wish to show it to me.
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[ Even a statement like that stirs at his heart, the fondness it carries alongside the nostalgia of how many times he's said it before a comfort because he can say it again now. ]
Not from you. [ A weak, lighthearted double-meaning there; because he literally can't, because he wouldn't even want to anyway. ]
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that...and he just wants to see his face up close again, scars and all.
see and kiss him - a couple careful ones before pressing in with earnest, bringing his hands up to his face.]
I missed you.
[and the prospect of seeing all that he's been missing from right now is...too much.]
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This close he can see his own reflection in those striking eyes, something he's seen so many times before, painting the tiny vision of himself in red, dyeing his own eyes amethyst, and something else he's grateful to see again.
Just as that thought rushes up inside of him, because every single thing he feels is still so much, Blue kisses him again. And it's good that he can't speak in that moment, because a mirroring of the sentiment in words would be laughably impossible. The depth of how much Yzak's missed him is bottomless, because there was no end to it. Something he'd have to carry to his own grave along with so many others he'd lost.
Both hands squeeze where they are, firm, but not painfully, as if emphasizing that emotion. But now Blue's here - they're here and they'll never have to miss each other again. ]
And you remember. [ Fears that were present even back before he'd disappeared, and fears that remained, still fresh and recent when Yzak recalls them. ] Even in the end, we weren't sure if we'd remember any of it. [ A light passing of shame; because in his worse times, when try as he might the pain of Blue's absence became so strong Yzak wondered if it'd just be easier to forget it all in the end. Just return home none the wiser and continue his life, even if that life and where it was headed wasn't something he really wanted.
It never won out. How could it? When the pain was a reflection of the love and all of the good that caused it. When he'd already long decided to live and carry his sins and his hurts because it was all he could do to, in order to carry on and make a difference here.
That ... and because it'd be an insult to forget Blue. More than anything else, he wanted to honor him, all this time he's done his best to honor him as best he could. In his actions, his words, in who he simply is now thanks to the way Blue's affected his heart. ]
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