[that remark, spoken aloud, makes Blue's eyes crinkle with some of the warmth that keeps draining from them when he thinks too long about the absence and gap of time that had separated them - that separates him still from others.
he lifts his hands to Yzak's face, combing some of his fine hair out of where they frame his face. his frame now.
matching voice for voice:] My Yzak. My heart. How are you to do anything more than let me hang onto you now?
[ In the past - long before he even met Blue, he'd simply deal with it, this particular lack of touch. It was easy to, after all, when he never really knew it firsthand. But then he did and it'd become something akin to air to breathe with how much it felt like a lifeline. And feeling it now after so long ... it's one thing to know you're touch-starved, it's quite another to be reminded of it with the very hands you've come to yearn to feel.
So Yzak leans in to the touch with a tip of his head, just as starved for the physical warmth of Blue's hand as much as the warmth in his eyes when he looks at him. ]
More? [ He blinks once, slow. And then with the same sort of resolve: ] I can always do more. [ Said with that slight emphasis on always, as if it's something obvious when it comes to him.
And the statement comes with that extra swell of will that says, especially when it's for you. ]
Even though... [ He adds, because rearing up just behind that is the realization of everything in the here and now, things he was still in the process of figuring out even without Blue's presence. ] there's a lot to do.
I didn't- I wasn't preparing for any of this, anymore. [ A nearly painful honesty in the admittance, of a future given up on and left behind only to surprise him in the epilogue and join the jumbled pile he's barely had anytime to even start sifting through. ]
Or rather, he could have, had he not been cheated out of all of that time and led to believe he'd be walking forward from here alone. And he had begun, considered the foundation, a place to begin, right alongside his search for a way to save Blue; something that kept the anguish of that from becoming too powerful. And even though he'd been careful to "not hope too much" so to speak, he's since learned that doing that was useless because it's not as though the pain he'd felt was any bit weaker in the end. Feelings can't be controlled no matter how much one tries. And grief is a mirror of love, after all.
But knowing full well the circumstances of his world and his life here, Yzak was ready to carve something out, sculpt it together with Blue and prepare himself - both of them - for it. That's why there's still a weight there, even with the encouragement. Because he'd given up on it, none the wiser that he'd have it suddenly hauled on him, barely touched, and now needing immediate attention.
Still, encouragement and praise is never wasted on him. And that aside, Yzak is steely (arm notwithstanding) and never keen on giving up. But oh wouldn't it be nice to feel even for a moment like he could actually relax (relax and truly enjoy Blue's presence without this baggage) - not that he would properly know how to. ]
It's part of the job. [ An affirmation because yes, he is good at improvising. Even if this is very much his life and not his job. (and not even just his life). And who likes the idea of improvising something so important?
Lucky(??) for Yzak as well is the fact that even with weight to carry, he can still act, still move when he knows he has to. Because he has to. So with that: ]
You're staying here, of course. Mother's away for business back in our hometown right now. [ And a big relieved feeling of thank god accompanies that statement because that's a whole other can of worms (let yzak jule fucking have a moment of peace ce 74). ] And you've been here in some form before. [ In dreams and simulations. ] I ... have all of your things, too.
So ... treat this home like it's your own; because it is, if you'll have it. Since it's mine.
[Blue's hands move to rest on Yzak's chest as he speaks, holding back on the want to keep kissing at him. it's only polite - Yzak is very focused on the matters at-hand, and that leads to a lot of emotional weight and energy for Blue himself to reconcile with.
his eyebrows raise slightly at mention of Mother, then furrow at all of your things.]
[ And that too comes with its own weight. But the notion of the memory that rises in Yzak's mind has an unfortunate familiarity to it. Of brokenheartedness and anger, of collecting the pieces of another person's life and sealing it away in a box. Something he's done for comrades during wartime - something he'd done just as painfully for Dearka once, when he thought he was dead. The difference for Blue was that those other boxes were sent away to family, to loved ones back home. Whereas his, it remained under their bed in a room that Yzak couldn't bear to be in after that except to sleep and shower.
But those belongings being able to be returned to someone is such a rare, almost miraculous occasion. ]
[ He nods. ] Any and everything of ours we wanted to bring back with us. [ Yzak would have been pretty pissed off if he couldn't take back all of the small amulets and charms he'd been collecting from different worlds. And he would have lost his mind completely, if he had to give up the small ring Blue had gifted him. Though he no longer needed to use it as a pin, he wasn't quite sure what to do with it since it didn't fit on any of his fingers. But he always kept it - keeps it close. ]
Since we weren't going to be staying on the station anymore. A majority of us, anyway. Because we ... finished what we set out to do. We completed our objective.
[the trinkets, the treasures...the gifts made for him by Yzak and the others... they were here? even as Yzak goes on, Blue's gaze trails about, as though expecting to see it all in place, as though it were the room. not so, but still...
finally pulls his focus back, unblinking.]
...What happened? [moments ago, it seemed exhausting and too daunting to even ask, but even so--]
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he lifts his hands to Yzak's face, combing some of his fine hair out of where they frame his face. his frame now.
matching voice for voice:] My Yzak. My heart. How are you to do anything more than let me hang onto you now?
no subject
So Yzak leans in to the touch with a tip of his head, just as starved for the physical warmth of Blue's hand as much as the warmth in his eyes when he looks at him. ]
More? [ He blinks once, slow. And then with the same sort of resolve: ] I can always do more. [ Said with that slight emphasis on always, as if it's something obvious when it comes to him.
And the statement comes with that extra swell of will that says, especially when it's for you. ]
Even though... [ He adds, because rearing up just behind that is the realization of everything in the here and now, things he was still in the process of figuring out even without Blue's presence. ] there's a lot to do.
I didn't- I wasn't preparing for any of this, anymore. [ A nearly painful honesty in the admittance, of a future given up on and left behind only to surprise him in the epilogue and join the jumbled pile he's barely had anytime to even start sifting through. ]
no subject
Well...you are also skilled with improvisation. Yes?
no subject
Or rather, he could have, had he not been cheated out of all of that time and led to believe he'd be walking forward from here alone. And he had begun, considered the foundation, a place to begin, right alongside his search for a way to save Blue; something that kept the anguish of that from becoming too powerful. And even though he'd been careful to "not hope too much" so to speak, he's since learned that doing that was useless because it's not as though the pain he'd felt was any bit weaker in the end. Feelings can't be controlled no matter how much one tries. And grief is a mirror of love, after all.
But knowing full well the circumstances of his world and his life here, Yzak was ready to carve something out, sculpt it together with Blue and prepare himself - both of them - for it. That's why there's still a weight there, even with the encouragement. Because he'd given up on it, none the wiser that he'd have it suddenly hauled on him, barely touched, and now needing immediate attention.
Still, encouragement and praise is never wasted on him. And that aside, Yzak is steely (arm notwithstanding) and never keen on giving up. But oh wouldn't it be nice to feel even for a moment like he could actually relax (relax and truly enjoy Blue's presence without this baggage) - not that he would properly know how to. ]
It's part of the job. [ An affirmation because yes, he is good at improvising. Even if this is very much his life and not his job. (and not even just his life). And who likes the idea of improvising something so important?
Lucky(??) for Yzak as well is the fact that even with weight to carry, he can still act, still move when he knows he has to. Because he has to. So with that: ]
You're staying here, of course. Mother's away for business back in our hometown right now. [ And a big relieved feeling of thank god accompanies that statement because that's a whole other can of worms (let yzak jule fucking have a moment of peace ce 74). ] And you've been here in some form before. [ In dreams and simulations. ] I ... have all of your things, too.
So ... treat this home like it's your own; because it is, if you'll have it. Since it's mine.
no subject
his eyebrows raise slightly at mention of Mother, then furrow at all of your things.]
My...things...? [from the station?]
no subject
[ And that too comes with its own weight. But the notion of the memory that rises in Yzak's mind has an unfortunate familiarity to it. Of brokenheartedness and anger, of collecting the pieces of another person's life and sealing it away in a box. Something he's done for comrades during wartime - something he'd done just as painfully for Dearka once, when he thought he was dead. The difference for Blue was that those other boxes were sent away to family, to loved ones back home. Whereas his, it remained under their bed in a room that Yzak couldn't bear to be in after that except to sleep and shower.
But those belongings being able to be returned to someone is such a rare, almost miraculous occasion. ]
no subject
no subject
Since we weren't going to be staying on the station anymore. A majority of us, anyway. Because we ... finished what we set out to do. We completed our objective.
... Finally.
no subject
finally pulls his focus back, unblinking.]
...What happened? [moments ago, it seemed exhausting and too daunting to even ask, but even so--]