I wouldn't have had that will in the first place, [ Muffled as he tips his own head against Blue's, face half buried against his hair. ] if not for you.
[ The strength of that will was as strong as it was because of Blue. Blue supporting him, accepting him, loving him. His wishes always an echo in Yzak's mind like a wind behind his back pushing him on; that he wanted to live, that he wanted more time. They'd echoed for so long later, like a plague, reminding him that he'd still lost everything and failed even though he'd succeeded.
Hearing it now, that he's alive because of it, that it wasn't all done in vain like he'd believed all this time...
The bridge of distance and time still feels like something swaying beneath Yzak's feet. All it does is sway, though, it does not snap and break, strong enough to remain on and move across to where they can both stand together on solid ground again when the winds of shock die down. ]
It's been so long. [ He curls in against Blue a bit, that hold tightening on him. ] A year - and a half. Since then. [ Since everything he'd given so much up for crumbled in his grasp.
So now it feels as though he's hanging onto the most precious treasure in the universe. Which, in Yzak's case, he is. After thinking he'd lost it forever. ] ... And so much has happened.
[exhaling only gives Yzak's embrace chance to tighten and constrict, and the hold does hurt faintly...in a consoling way. he's walked with heartache for so long in varied forms, Yzak's absence and the loss of his bonds from the station being the latest that there is a certain numbness to some of the greater stings until this embrace.
good. he shouldn't turn to stone.]
...I'll see it all. When you wish to show it to me.
[ Even a statement like that stirs at his heart, the fondness it carries alongside the nostalgia of how many times he's said it before a comfort because he can say it again now. ]
Not from you. [ A weak, lighthearted double-meaning there; because he literally can't, because he wouldn't even want to anyway. ]
[Blue shifts, slipping his arms between them to push away enough that he can look Yzak in the eye. it's not like he can't feel the sincerity as it is, but the physical element is something of a punctuation mark to it.
that...and he just wants to see his face up close again, scars and all.
see and kiss him - a couple careful ones before pressing in with earnest, bringing his hands up to his face.]
I missed you.
[and the prospect of seeing all that he's been missing from right now is...too much.]
[ Blue shifts and Yzak moves in tandem, hand in his hair slipping to rest on his shoulder, hand around his back easing up to catch his elbow.
This close he can see his own reflection in those striking eyes, something he's seen so many times before, painting the tiny vision of himself in red, dyeing his own eyes amethyst, and something else he's grateful to see again.
Just as that thought rushes up inside of him, because every single thing he feels is still so much, Blue kisses him again. And it's good that he can't speak in that moment, because a mirroring of the sentiment in words would be laughably impossible. The depth of how much Yzak's missed him is bottomless, because there was no end to it. Something he'd have to carry to his own grave along with so many others he'd lost.
Both hands squeeze where they are, firm, but not painfully, as if emphasizing that emotion. But now Blue's here - they're here and they'll never have to miss each other again. ]
And you remember. [ Fears that were present even back before he'd disappeared, and fears that remained, still fresh and recent when Yzak recalls them. ] Even in the end, we weren't sure if we'd remember any of it. [ A light passing of shame; because in his worse times, when try as he might the pain of Blue's absence became so strong Yzak wondered if it'd just be easier to forget it all in the end. Just return home none the wiser and continue his life, even if that life and where it was headed wasn't something he really wanted.
It never won out. How could it? When the pain was a reflection of the love and all of the good that caused it. When he'd already long decided to live and carry his sins and his hurts because it was all he could do to, in order to carry on and make a difference here.
That ... and because it'd be an insult to forget Blue. More than anything else, he wanted to honor him, all this time he's done his best to honor him as best he could. In his actions, his words, in who he simply is now thanks to the way Blue's affected his heart. ]
I am through with forgetting...being forgotten... [being a ghost. the notion is poison in him, and he can only squirm and resist it inwardly, outwardly, and find consolation in Yzak's arms and mouth, pressing in greedily, desperately.]
[ Not just an assurance to Blue, but to himself. ]
Never again.
[ A determined and straightforward proclamation, even despite the fact that simply being home still feels alien to him. The thumb of his prosthetic hand strokes at the side of Blue's arm where it rests almost automatically to further emphasize that point. ]
And I wasn't going to let that happen. [ His brow pinches slightly, and he too pauses so he can look back into the other man's eyes. ] To have you taken away from me, twice over.
[ It'd have been losing him twice. And once was more than he could bear.
And when he looks at him again, his expression softens, his voice tinged with that nearly awed realization that's going to hit him quite a few times over the next while. ]
[that remark, spoken aloud, makes Blue's eyes crinkle with some of the warmth that keeps draining from them when he thinks too long about the absence and gap of time that had separated them - that separates him still from others.
he lifts his hands to Yzak's face, combing some of his fine hair out of where they frame his face. his frame now.
matching voice for voice:] My Yzak. My heart. How are you to do anything more than let me hang onto you now?
[ In the past - long before he even met Blue, he'd simply deal with it, this particular lack of touch. It was easy to, after all, when he never really knew it firsthand. But then he did and it'd become something akin to air to breathe with how much it felt like a lifeline. And feeling it now after so long ... it's one thing to know you're touch-starved, it's quite another to be reminded of it with the very hands you've come to yearn to feel.
So Yzak leans in to the touch with a tip of his head, just as starved for the physical warmth of Blue's hand as much as the warmth in his eyes when he looks at him. ]
More? [ He blinks once, slow. And then with the same sort of resolve: ] I can always do more. [ Said with that slight emphasis on always, as if it's something obvious when it comes to him.
And the statement comes with that extra swell of will that says, especially when it's for you. ]
Even though... [ He adds, because rearing up just behind that is the realization of everything in the here and now, things he was still in the process of figuring out even without Blue's presence. ] there's a lot to do.
I didn't- I wasn't preparing for any of this, anymore. [ A nearly painful honesty in the admittance, of a future given up on and left behind only to surprise him in the epilogue and join the jumbled pile he's barely had anytime to even start sifting through. ]
Or rather, he could have, had he not been cheated out of all of that time and led to believe he'd be walking forward from here alone. And he had begun, considered the foundation, a place to begin, right alongside his search for a way to save Blue; something that kept the anguish of that from becoming too powerful. And even though he'd been careful to "not hope too much" so to speak, he's since learned that doing that was useless because it's not as though the pain he'd felt was any bit weaker in the end. Feelings can't be controlled no matter how much one tries. And grief is a mirror of love, after all.
But knowing full well the circumstances of his world and his life here, Yzak was ready to carve something out, sculpt it together with Blue and prepare himself - both of them - for it. That's why there's still a weight there, even with the encouragement. Because he'd given up on it, none the wiser that he'd have it suddenly hauled on him, barely touched, and now needing immediate attention.
Still, encouragement and praise is never wasted on him. And that aside, Yzak is steely (arm notwithstanding) and never keen on giving up. But oh wouldn't it be nice to feel even for a moment like he could actually relax (relax and truly enjoy Blue's presence without this baggage) - not that he would properly know how to. ]
It's part of the job. [ An affirmation because yes, he is good at improvising. Even if this is very much his life and not his job. (and not even just his life). And who likes the idea of improvising something so important?
Lucky(??) for Yzak as well is the fact that even with weight to carry, he can still act, still move when he knows he has to. Because he has to. So with that: ]
You're staying here, of course. Mother's away for business back in our hometown right now. [ And a big relieved feeling of thank god accompanies that statement because that's a whole other can of worms (let yzak jule fucking have a moment of peace ce 74). ] And you've been here in some form before. [ In dreams and simulations. ] I ... have all of your things, too.
So ... treat this home like it's your own; because it is, if you'll have it. Since it's mine.
[Blue's hands move to rest on Yzak's chest as he speaks, holding back on the want to keep kissing at him. it's only polite - Yzak is very focused on the matters at-hand, and that leads to a lot of emotional weight and energy for Blue himself to reconcile with.
his eyebrows raise slightly at mention of Mother, then furrow at all of your things.]
[ And that too comes with its own weight. But the notion of the memory that rises in Yzak's mind has an unfortunate familiarity to it. Of brokenheartedness and anger, of collecting the pieces of another person's life and sealing it away in a box. Something he's done for comrades during wartime - something he'd done just as painfully for Dearka once, when he thought he was dead. The difference for Blue was that those other boxes were sent away to family, to loved ones back home. Whereas his, it remained under their bed in a room that Yzak couldn't bear to be in after that except to sleep and shower.
But those belongings being able to be returned to someone is such a rare, almost miraculous occasion. ]
[ He nods. ] Any and everything of ours we wanted to bring back with us. [ Yzak would have been pretty pissed off if he couldn't take back all of the small amulets and charms he'd been collecting from different worlds. And he would have lost his mind completely, if he had to give up the small ring Blue had gifted him. Though he no longer needed to use it as a pin, he wasn't quite sure what to do with it since it didn't fit on any of his fingers. But he always kept it - keeps it close. ]
Since we weren't going to be staying on the station anymore. A majority of us, anyway. Because we ... finished what we set out to do. We completed our objective.
[the trinkets, the treasures...the gifts made for him by Yzak and the others... they were here? even as Yzak goes on, Blue's gaze trails about, as though expecting to see it all in place, as though it were the room. not so, but still...
finally pulls his focus back, unblinking.]
...What happened? [moments ago, it seemed exhausting and too daunting to even ask, but even so--]
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no subject
[ The strength of that will was as strong as it was because of Blue. Blue supporting him, accepting him, loving him. His wishes always an echo in Yzak's mind like a wind behind his back pushing him on; that he wanted to live, that he wanted more time. They'd echoed for so long later, like a plague, reminding him that he'd still lost everything and failed even though he'd succeeded.
Hearing it now, that he's alive because of it, that it wasn't all done in vain like he'd believed all this time...
The bridge of distance and time still feels like something swaying beneath Yzak's feet. All it does is sway, though, it does not snap and break, strong enough to remain on and move across to where they can both stand together on solid ground again when the winds of shock die down. ]
It's been so long. [ He curls in against Blue a bit, that hold tightening on him. ] A year - and a half. Since then. [ Since everything he'd given so much up for crumbled in his grasp.
So now it feels as though he's hanging onto the most precious treasure in the universe. Which, in Yzak's case, he is. After thinking he'd lost it forever. ] ... And so much has happened.
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good. he shouldn't turn to stone.]
...I'll see it all. When you wish to show it to me.
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[ Even a statement like that stirs at his heart, the fondness it carries alongside the nostalgia of how many times he's said it before a comfort because he can say it again now. ]
Not from you. [ A weak, lighthearted double-meaning there; because he literally can't, because he wouldn't even want to anyway. ]
no subject
that...and he just wants to see his face up close again, scars and all.
see and kiss him - a couple careful ones before pressing in with earnest, bringing his hands up to his face.]
I missed you.
[and the prospect of seeing all that he's been missing from right now is...too much.]
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This close he can see his own reflection in those striking eyes, something he's seen so many times before, painting the tiny vision of himself in red, dyeing his own eyes amethyst, and something else he's grateful to see again.
Just as that thought rushes up inside of him, because every single thing he feels is still so much, Blue kisses him again. And it's good that he can't speak in that moment, because a mirroring of the sentiment in words would be laughably impossible. The depth of how much Yzak's missed him is bottomless, because there was no end to it. Something he'd have to carry to his own grave along with so many others he'd lost.
Both hands squeeze where they are, firm, but not painfully, as if emphasizing that emotion. But now Blue's here - they're here and they'll never have to miss each other again. ]
And you remember. [ Fears that were present even back before he'd disappeared, and fears that remained, still fresh and recent when Yzak recalls them. ] Even in the end, we weren't sure if we'd remember any of it. [ A light passing of shame; because in his worse times, when try as he might the pain of Blue's absence became so strong Yzak wondered if it'd just be easier to forget it all in the end. Just return home none the wiser and continue his life, even if that life and where it was headed wasn't something he really wanted.
It never won out. How could it? When the pain was a reflection of the love and all of the good that caused it. When he'd already long decided to live and carry his sins and his hurts because it was all he could do to, in order to carry on and make a difference here.
That ... and because it'd be an insult to forget Blue. More than anything else, he wanted to honor him, all this time he's done his best to honor him as best he could. In his actions, his words, in who he simply is now thanks to the way Blue's affected his heart. ]
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no subject
[ Not just an assurance to Blue, but to himself. ]
Never again.
[ A determined and straightforward proclamation, even despite the fact that simply being home still feels alien to him. The thumb of his prosthetic hand strokes at the side of Blue's arm where it rests almost automatically to further emphasize that point. ]
And I wasn't going to let that happen. [ His brow pinches slightly, and he too pauses so he can look back into the other man's eyes. ] To have you taken away from me, twice over.
[ It'd have been losing him twice. And once was more than he could bear.
And when he looks at him again, his expression softens, his voice tinged with that nearly awed realization that's going to hit him quite a few times over the next while. ]
... and now I have you back completely.
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he lifts his hands to Yzak's face, combing some of his fine hair out of where they frame his face. his frame now.
matching voice for voice:] My Yzak. My heart. How are you to do anything more than let me hang onto you now?
no subject
So Yzak leans in to the touch with a tip of his head, just as starved for the physical warmth of Blue's hand as much as the warmth in his eyes when he looks at him. ]
More? [ He blinks once, slow. And then with the same sort of resolve: ] I can always do more. [ Said with that slight emphasis on always, as if it's something obvious when it comes to him.
And the statement comes with that extra swell of will that says, especially when it's for you. ]
Even though... [ He adds, because rearing up just behind that is the realization of everything in the here and now, things he was still in the process of figuring out even without Blue's presence. ] there's a lot to do.
I didn't- I wasn't preparing for any of this, anymore. [ A nearly painful honesty in the admittance, of a future given up on and left behind only to surprise him in the epilogue and join the jumbled pile he's barely had anytime to even start sifting through. ]
no subject
Well...you are also skilled with improvisation. Yes?
no subject
Or rather, he could have, had he not been cheated out of all of that time and led to believe he'd be walking forward from here alone. And he had begun, considered the foundation, a place to begin, right alongside his search for a way to save Blue; something that kept the anguish of that from becoming too powerful. And even though he'd been careful to "not hope too much" so to speak, he's since learned that doing that was useless because it's not as though the pain he'd felt was any bit weaker in the end. Feelings can't be controlled no matter how much one tries. And grief is a mirror of love, after all.
But knowing full well the circumstances of his world and his life here, Yzak was ready to carve something out, sculpt it together with Blue and prepare himself - both of them - for it. That's why there's still a weight there, even with the encouragement. Because he'd given up on it, none the wiser that he'd have it suddenly hauled on him, barely touched, and now needing immediate attention.
Still, encouragement and praise is never wasted on him. And that aside, Yzak is steely (arm notwithstanding) and never keen on giving up. But oh wouldn't it be nice to feel even for a moment like he could actually relax (relax and truly enjoy Blue's presence without this baggage) - not that he would properly know how to. ]
It's part of the job. [ An affirmation because yes, he is good at improvising. Even if this is very much his life and not his job. (and not even just his life). And who likes the idea of improvising something so important?
Lucky(??) for Yzak as well is the fact that even with weight to carry, he can still act, still move when he knows he has to. Because he has to. So with that: ]
You're staying here, of course. Mother's away for business back in our hometown right now. [ And a big relieved feeling of thank god accompanies that statement because that's a whole other can of worms (let yzak jule fucking have a moment of peace ce 74). ] And you've been here in some form before. [ In dreams and simulations. ] I ... have all of your things, too.
So ... treat this home like it's your own; because it is, if you'll have it. Since it's mine.
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his eyebrows raise slightly at mention of Mother, then furrow at all of your things.]
My...things...? [from the station?]
no subject
[ And that too comes with its own weight. But the notion of the memory that rises in Yzak's mind has an unfortunate familiarity to it. Of brokenheartedness and anger, of collecting the pieces of another person's life and sealing it away in a box. Something he's done for comrades during wartime - something he'd done just as painfully for Dearka once, when he thought he was dead. The difference for Blue was that those other boxes were sent away to family, to loved ones back home. Whereas his, it remained under their bed in a room that Yzak couldn't bear to be in after that except to sleep and shower.
But those belongings being able to be returned to someone is such a rare, almost miraculous occasion. ]
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Since we weren't going to be staying on the station anymore. A majority of us, anyway. Because we ... finished what we set out to do. We completed our objective.
... Finally.
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finally pulls his focus back, unblinking.]
...What happened? [moments ago, it seemed exhausting and too daunting to even ask, but even so--]