Yzak was beginning to wonder if he'd hit three years on this grand mission on the Ximilia. He came pretty damn close to reaching the mark, and the more time that passed, the longer it all seemed to stretch on.
He'd kept his sights on his goal steadfastly; doing all he could both on missions and whenever he was faced with a personal task, for the sake of his people, for the sake of his home. A promise made years ago when he'd been spared his life despite it being deemed wreched enough to be taken from him. Wreched actions, rightful punishment. From then on, that life was no longer his - it belonged to those he protected, to his friends both who died and who still remained. His own way of accepting the fact that he didn't deserve to be so lucky, yet still doing what he could with the power he still had. Even if the path ahead had to be built by his bloodied hands, at least it would mean a better future so the same mistakes wouldn't be made again. And he was carrying out the dreams of those who could no longer do it themselves anymore.
And while that never changed in him, everything around it did. He met Blue and Blue saw him completely, every awful feeling and bad thought and stupid mistake, peering into his past and present. He looked into his soul and saw all of him: flaws and sins and more ... and loved him. He found things in him that he deemed worthy enough of that love, even when doubt and fear crept their way through Yzak's mind to try and reject it as he fell just as hard in love back. Blue caused a revolution in his life that shook the very foundation of his heart and turned all expectation of what awaited him in his future on its head. But that was okay. It was frightening at first, difficult for him to accept that someone like him deserved something so good and so bright. It was hard for him to separate himself from what he saw as his duty and allow himself to look at a future not out of obligation toward others but for himself and for someone else he loved so much and wanted to make happy. But they both braved what lied ahead, and they began to build a new foundation together.
But then that foundation caved in on itself. And it opened up a fissure deep in Yzak's heart that he carries home with him now. Impossible to fully mend what's broken, also impossible to turn the clock back on and go with the original plan for his life because he's been changed so deeply.
At least he managed to undo his regret. That's one thing that didn't get ripped from his grasp the moment he obtained it.
And after [painful? bittersweet? good and temporary because there's some assurance of some kind of world hopping or something so they can see each other again? who the fuck knows so some adjective goes here] goodbyes between the team, the contracts were fulfilled and they were swept away back home to whatever changed lives awaited them.
Yzak's isn't changed much at all from the outside. The war still ended, the Chairman's Destiny Plan rejected and him defeated, life is in that extremely fragile post-war state where everyone is working and butting heads and trying desperately not to let everything shatter into fighting all over again. The difference is, in space rather than 113 hourglass-shaped space colonies orbiting the Earth with the remains of 6 recently obliterated ones within those clusters, there are 119, all intact. The precious few moments he and his team needed to destroy at least one of the aiming devices of the superweapon Requiem were granted, and the shot aiming toward PLANT missed completely. Those lives were all saved. He'd done something big, something worthwhile for the sake of his people like he swore to do, even if they'll never know it.
Coming home after so long, after so much doesn't feel like much of a homecoming. It almost feels foreign to Yzak, like he's an outsider unsure of where he fits anymore. And yet, to those he knows he's going to see and hear from soon, it will be as though he was not gone at all, expected to simply shift back into the life he was living. And how in the hell is he going to do that? How is he going to explain these new scars on his face? His arm? Fucking hell, he thinks, perhaps he'll just stick to wearing a glove until he can figure that one out, because who's going to believe him if he explains what happened and not be looked at like he was insane??
It's a lot to suddenly need to consider, and on one hand it keeps his mind busy. But the weight that drags on it otherwise leaves a twisting stress in the pit of his stomach. The knowledge that he's here, he's home again with all of the dreams he had about coming home broken and his future so unclear is something that's never been the case for him before. He had a future expected of him that he realized he no longer wanted and gave up on. And the future he actually wanted and chose for himself is gone and impossible because Blue is gone. Gone and never even given the luxury to enjoy the time and the life that Yzak fought so hard to give to him for both of their sakes.
It hurts to be back.
Even if there is fulfillment where duty is concerned, everything else feels akin to a void. He'd fallen to pieces, and though over time he's managed to put himself back together as best he could again, it was and remains hard to figure out because so many of those pieces are missing now. And what can one make out of that that isn't in some manner incomplete?
Yzak decides to focus on the immediate. Confirmation that his regret truly was undone. The current date. What that means for his work schedule. His mother's whereabouts - she returned to their residence on Martius City for a time to tend to some things. His recent texts from Dearka, did he have any plans made? Thankfully it doesn't seem like he has anything to immediately get to, and he considers the merits of taking a few days off. He's tired. Physically. Emotionally. His belongings (as well as all he's placed of Blue's into a box) returned with him, too, awaiting their place in this world when Yzak can bear to get around to it. For now, he only wants to sleep and hopefully awaken with a stronger will to really look at what comes next.
Whatever next he has left. He doesn't know that, either, anymore. It's true that one never knows what their fated day to die is, but it's something else knowing that whatever it is, days or months or decades, it's been cut in half. Something he will never regret giving up but something he still gave all the same that amounted to nothing and serves as another constant reminder of his failure, the sting in his soul that says he got what he deserved and shouldn't have wanted something so wonderful to begin with. But he should be dead already anyway, so part of him feels he can't even be that upset about it.
Yzak stands in his room in his residence on Aprilius One, PLANT's capital city. It's huge and clean with tall walls, plush rugs and towering, full bookcases. A fancy chess set sits atop a table nearby, there's a comfortable lounge chair and a sidetable beneath a lamp next to the bookcases, A desk with a computer and some other portable electronic devices set up for work needing to be done, and his bed is huge and adorned with too many extremely soft pillows for one person. The large window's curtains are drawn back, and he presses his left palm against the window and looks out at the sight he's so used to seeing. Light from other homes nearby, the twinkles from the hustle and bustle of the city in the distance, and at night when PLANT doesn't need to reflect sunlight to give them the blue sky of daytime, space dotted with glittering stars in the sky all around the colony. He sees the other nearby PLANTs lined up, vague silhouettes of the life they likewise contain inside of them. Behind them is the bright blue of the Earth that he orbits. A place he's only been to while on duty, a place he at once even disliked greatly because it was primarily where Naturals still called home after his people had fled to space. A place Blue's yearning and adoration for was so powerful and inspiring that it even rubbed off on Yzak. He wanted Blue to see it one day - not in a book or a memory or a simulation but for real and with his own eyes. The idea of perhaps taking a trip down there that wasn't just to fight was never something he'd really thought about, but in those past dreams of the future they were things that Yzak found himself actually wanting himself if it meant seeing Blue happy. He was quite literally ready to give the Mu the world. His world. And that's because Blue himself had twined his heart and his soul so completely around his own that he became part of his whole world.
But now that world is gone. And he has to face the one that he stands in now and figure out what it's going to be.
That's for tomorrow, though. For now, he just wants to rest. Really rest. As best as he can. Weary in body and weary in spirit, he does as much; he undoes and removes his prosthetic arm from the housing system it links into on his body, he showers, he throws on pajamas and a robe and makes a cup of tea while his hair dries. It's routine, and done in silence - the largeness and emptiness of his home weighing down on him in a way it never really has before. Even though it'd be more fuss than comfort, he almost wishes his mother was here right now, if only to know that he isn't alone when this all still feels oddly like a dream. Finally, he crawls into bed, the familiar comfort of the soft mattress almost like a cloud, and he mutters a low "lights off" as lightsources dim and leave him in the darkness. He pulls in a breath, stares up at the ceiling and the quiet has never felt so loud as it does right now. But eventually, he drifts.
[ He dreams of Blue often, which comes as no surprise.
The nightmares are relentless. He's losing Blue, he's being pulled away from him and Yzak tries so hard to stop it. He reaches out desperately, trying to take his hand, their fingers just barely graze. And then he feels an overwhelming pain consume him as that outstretched arm gets ripped from his body.
In the nicer dreams his subconscious plays tricks on him. Yzak finds Blue after what feels like a millenia. Or he's already found him and they're together again and he feels whole again. In some of those dreams, Blue speaks his disbelief away: it is a dream, Yzak, but it's lucid. It's real. They're real in waking as much as they are here.
When he wakes, it's always the same. Whether it's a bad dream where he jolts awake, sweating and gasping, or a good dream where he awakens to that fleeting moment of believing the dream was real before the silence and emptiness consumes him all over again, it always hurts. Like a thousand tiny knives scraping across his heart.
Tonight, as he sleeps, it's a nicer dream that begins to form in his subconscious. The type that feels as though it reaches across a distance and intertwines with Blue's own, eventually convincing Yzak that it's real. Until he awakens, of course. ]
[pale, slender fingers lace between Yzak's - both flesh and steel without a flinch. knelt over his reclining form, the Mu bows his head to rest his forehead against his, eyes closed.]
You're calling. I hear it.
[different than the nonsense nothings of a yearning mind. he squeezes his hands.]
You hadn't, for some time...but I hear it now. You're finally, properly here.
[because history hadn't just been static for him here: Yzak Jule here knew nothing of Mu, was just going through the motions of his life untouched by Ximilia or Blue...until he wasn't.
it just took a while to realize. Blue wasn't going to haunt a figure who knew nothing of him forever, not when it was still so uncertain and unsafe for him as such a foreign element.
that didn't mean he gave up trying, now and then. thankfully, this time was different. somehow he believed it would be one day.]
[ His own eyes gently flutter open, Blue's fingers and skin and soft hair all sensations that feel like they've never gotten unfamiliar in these dreams. Which is probably why Yzak falls into them so easily; they're the only way the subconscious can make them feel as close to real as possible again. ]
No way. [ Stubborn, even in the way he gently presses his forehead a little harder up against Blue's when he says that. ] I'd never stop calling for you.
[ The twining of their fingers tightens just a bit from his end - little drips of desperation seeping in. Yzak being here - in his own bed, in his own home - that's not something of note. But, ]
You're here.
[ It's a statement as much as a question. One unbelieving that it can be true. ]
[his tone is soft, but certain. he tilts his head and kisses him, pressing for the memory of every kiss they've missed for so long, letting his thoughts flow unimpeded.]
I woke here. I found you, but you did not remember. Not until now. You hadn't caught up yet.
But I had a feeling that...if I waited long enough, you would come back. You gave me plenty of strength with which to wait.
[ It's a certainty that even here is a little hard to believe. Doubt claws at it, but in dreams it's weaker because what the soul wants here is stronger, more influential.
And unbeknownst to Yzak, still, actually real this time.
Said doubt causes his response to be a little more desperate, and Yzak kisses him back as he untangles one hand (the real one, it's warmer on skin and even here he is considerate) to rest against the side of Blue's neck. It has been so long. Too long. (it always is, here, but how does he knows that...?)
He sits up, bracing himself on his other hand that he reluctantly loosens and makes up for by squeezing his neck softly, barely pulling his lips away. ]
Of course I'd come back..! No matter how much time passed, or how many lifetimes it took. Like anything could keep me from remembering it all. Especially you! [ Said with that same familiar determination he'd put up against the possibility of forgetting it all for good. ]
But we're... [ He glances to the side, recalling what he'd just done upon returning. He was alone. ] dreaming right?
Something about those two statements rings odd in his mind. Yzak's heartbeat begins to quicken against that hand on his chest. It's exactly because this is real that he's suddenly so aware of how this has gone before. How this goes every single time.
It's just another dream that pretends it's real. Only this time, he's caught onto it - thus turning it into another nightmare in and of itself. He's had similar enough dreams to this to know.
He swallows thick, his eyes meeting Blue's again, now strained and hurting and grappling with the tangle of dream and reality that muddles all of this. ]
No...
[ Despite the turmoil rising within him and the rejection that begins to push against Blue's consciousness here, he still hangs on because his soul simply reacts to do so. His other hand lifts from the bed now that he's sitting up and he places it over Blue's resting on his chest, robotic fingers curling cold over it. ]
It's always only just a dream. I know that this isn't real, you're not actually here— you're—
[ Words he's believed in dreams before and words he believes in the part of his psyche that's unknowingly awake are too good to be true now. There is no finding him. There is no really seeing him again, only phantoms of what his heart wants to see in these confusing dreams that he loathes to have.
He can't fall for this again. He won't. Every time he does, it kills him a little more. So he rejects it, consciously and subconsciously. It's a harsh and powerful and painful rejection, full of a grief so heavy that it can only have built up over a long stretch of time.
He rips Blue's hand away from his chest. ]
—you're not here!
[ It's hard to tell if it's the rejection itself that abruptly ends the dream or if it's due to Yzak's need to catch his breath from tossing and turning in his bed.
And like always, he wakes alone and reality sets in. Of course, he thinks as he looks to the window of his room, the first light of day beginning to break. Of course he'd have a dream like that on his first night back, when he's vulnerable and mourning for what could have been, what he wanted so much to be.
Though when he awakens, the franticness of his mind and the strength of his thoughts so focused on the dream, on Blue, are loud enough for the Mu to feel, to pinpoint, to use as a beacon to return to him. ]
Edited (me using the same phrase twice??? no) 2023-11-24 05:22 (UTC)
[this isn't the first time Blue's been pushed out of a dream before. Jomy was just as spirited in that way, but...his mental lashing-back was not seeded with such despair. it leaves Blue feeling cold, shaken.
...but not disconnected.]
I'm still here, Yzak.
[he's not so weak anymore; hanging onto Yzak's mind is easier to do, even in the gale of that tantrum. without a dream to linger in, his consciousness hangs onto the fury of those feelings and manifests as the ghostly, blue ghost that he can project of himself.
after giving Yzak a chance to stabilize himself in the waking world, he can be seen standing in the room, slightly transparent thanks to the glow of the morning coming out of the window.]
And if you tell me where it is safe to find you, I can prove that. [but just flying over the city in plain sight...that could just lead trouble to Yzak's doorstep.]
[ He usually can't get back to sleep after these dreams, so he sits up, swings his legs over the edge of the bed and reaches for his arm to reattach it underneath the pajama top he keeps undone for ease of that; he can sleep with it in, but it's more uncomfortable than not half the time. He slips the prosthetic into the empty sleeve once secure, does the buttons up, stands, and- ]
!?
[ It's like his blood runs cold when he hears the voice in his mind. Time passed for him so long that it feels as foreign and shocking as it did the very first time he experienced it.
Yzak whirls around, eyes wide, the blood draining from his face. There is something to be said about the fact that this projection is a ghost in its own right, but the way he beholds it is truly as though he is seeing a ghost. Something he can't fathom as being real.
And yet his soul reaches out for it anyway, like it always does. ]
... Blue...?
[ The name cracks in his voice because he's lost all breath. He feels his heart pounding in his ears. A beat passes that feels like much longer. His legs feels like lead...
Yet they move anyway. There's a breathless desperation when he answers. ]
I'm here, I'm home.
[ He knows he won't feel a thing, and yet his hand reaches out to that phantom anyway. Every single known way to his home seems to erupt all at once from his subconscious. Shortcuts and alleys, less populated roads, parks and gardens that would be empty in the pre-dawn - he does not think of trouble because nothing else matters right now and he still isn't even sure if this is some trick of the mind. A dream within a dream or hallucinations of a broken, longing heart.
And yet the breeze that softy rolls in from the open window feels real. ]
[ What can he do or say in those moments that feel like lifetimes - thoughts and heart racing yet feeling as though he can hardly breathe - to hurry? Prove to Yzak that he hasn't lost himself to grief? That there isn't just another colossal joke waiting to be made at his heart's expense all over again? Those are what have grown to press against the back of his mind as rebuilt self defense mechanisms to try to protect himself from any more of those soul shattering blows. ]
[there has to be a compromise - a meeting in the middle, lest Blue cause a stir by being a lone flying (without a vehicle) man drawing attention to Yzak's window and making things more hectic on his arrival. to that end, Blue pleads believe me, you'll see me there, reinforcing that image of a quiet place of green.
thank goodness he has experience making himself something of a mental pest: he can be dogged when need be, and he has the stamina to spare for it now.
he's not the most pristine image of dreams, given time trying to stay obscure means less time is given to preening...and he's had to procure clothes that suit the setting, just as he'd have had to on any new world, but it is him. red eyes are fixed in the direction of Yzak's approach, barely blinking in anticipation, bracing for the wall of apprehension and all that may be just behind it the moment he's finally discovered to be real.
[ Despite the need to change his clothes (and hastily at that; the first simple button-up and slacks he can reach, all he needs as PLANT is warm this time of year, even when night falls) it's as if the distance between them is so perfectly aligned that Blue will need wait no longer for him once he arrives there. For once Yzak hears I know I can find it again suddenly those legs feel light as they move with hardly a need to consider anything else but where they need to go. Even if his mind still screams one thing at him.
A ghost. You're only chasing a ghost.
But drawn even to a false promise to see and feel the warmth of that light that illuminated his very soul again, he'll move toward it, search for it forever if he must because his heart can't help but seek it out with the yearning to feel whole again.
And whether or not Yzak thinks he's still seeing an illusion, nothing of pristineness is present in his mind when his own blue eyes finally land on the other man. Even in the dimness of the coming morning, against the walls and the trees whose branches gently rustle in the breeze and the bushes of the unpopulated area Blue still somehow seems to glow and stand out against it all. He's seen him hurt, sick, dying, and every awful thing in between, and even then he was the image of perfection to him because he was Blue.
His footsteps pause. Yzak's lips part but it's hard to know if any sound comes out whether it's the the uttering of his name or something that gets caught in his throat because it suddenly feels so tight. And then he moves again, closing the distance between them. ]
It's ... really you?
[ Asked after his hand comes up - his left, because the metal prosthetic of his right has no sensation of touch - and nearly expecting it to simply phase through, rests it against Blue's cheek.
[there's a risk of bursting out with too much emotion; Yzak's a tinderbox, and the simple touch on skin rips open what barriers are left to the Mu to keep safe from what is already pervading the space around them.
still, he keeps it together, despite his eyes already glimmering and wet. gently, he tilts his head against the hand.]
[ Nothing in his mind or in his heart has felt still or calm in a very long time, something always swirling, even subtly, beneath the surface.
Wouldn't it be so nice for those words and this physical confirmation to instantaneously vanish all of those storms away. But it's not so easy when months and months and months of grief and hopelessness and failure have built up, grown into him so much that it eventually became a part of him. And even those emotions are going to need to need attention once they rear their heads later with the irony of their existence.
But through that confusion comes what Yzak can now see, hear and feel in front of him. What's haunted him in dreams and lingered in the corners of his mind in waking. Staring into those beautiful, emotional eyes feels both foreign and familiar; like a lifetime ago and like mere hours. Yet from the mere touch of his face again it suddenly feels like his heart isn't as empty anymore, like the cracked pieces of his soul are wrapping back around the other half meant for it.
He made it. Somehow despite everything Blue's here and nobody knew and that'll hit him later too and piss him off and fuck him up all over again-
But he made it back to him. Like they'd swore they'd do. Even through the suffering always hanging above them they fought so hard to try make that wish come true.
There's a warmth that he feels swell at his core as his expression begins to crack. And then both arms envelope themselves around Blue to pull him into an embrace so tight that his shoulders tremble. Whether Blue even notices or cares that he's pulled in with two arms and the right feels harder and more rigid doesn't even matter. Yzak buries his face into the other man's shoulder, holding onto him as though he chances being torn away from him again. ]
[save for a soft, involuntary noise, Blue offers no resistance to being grabbed and clung to. after a beat, he lifts his arms at the elbows to rest against Yzak's back.]
If it takes a while to believe me...that's fine. You gave me time enough...in order to wait.
[ Those arms around him, light and gentle as they are, somehow feel as as though they're squeezing some of the pain out of him. How could he not believe this when they feel so real and so familiar around him? This close he can feel Blue's heartbeat against his chest even through the pounding of his own, his hair soft brushing against his ear and his voice, kind and patient and concerned and assuring and him.
It still feels as though letting go of him will have him whisked away, but it's not as though Yzak has any intention to do that anyway. He can't help at least a bit of all of those months of grief spill out, eyes burning with tears against his shoulder and a couple of tight, hushed whispers of his name.
He barely relaxes his arms - just enough to eventually lift his head and put himself face to face with Blue. And even through that fazed overwhelmed expression there's still that unwavering sharpness in his eyes that's always searching for answers and knowledge. ]
How? You just ... disappeared. [ The brief flash of memory is hazy, a painkiller-addled mind confused and scared and searching and in denial. ] You disappeared so I thought - we all thought you just went back to where and how you came because that's what happens. [ Not without some new contract and price to pay. ] So all this time, [ His voice tightens. ] you've been dead to us, after everything we'd finally managed to do--
[ Low, soft, still disorientedly attempting to navigate and make sense of anything. Could it be that simple? That the offering of part of Yzak's own life that now burns in Blue tied him here? That it just ... naturally drew itself back where it belonged when he'd left? Something possible but unknown to any of them - even Viv and Degar because if they knew they'd have told him, right? (there were ... many things kept from them, though, some only coming to light when there was no other choice) ]
All we knew, is that you were gone. [ And the weight behind that gone is heavy. There one moment, vanished in the next, just like so many others. Only those others ... at least left a comfort in the knowledge that they had somewhere to return to because they were still alive in their own worlds. There was no flicker of warming light like that for him when it felt as though darkness reared up out of nowhere and swallowed him whole.
And now, suddenly after all that time in it he feels like he's blinded by everything illuminating all at once.
Looking at Blue now, after all this time, after all of the painful truths forced into him and after begrudgingly, mournfully having to accept that reality and the fact that he could do nothing after all he did do just to see it crumble... ]
[Blue's cloudy gaze fixes on Yzak's face, at risk to losing focus of the physical since the pull of anguish is very, very strong. he can't let himself tip forward and fall into that; he's being relied upon. for so long, he'd had been weak, even with all that was asked of him. he has to do better now, despite the fear that is seeded in him from the notion of being simply dead. dead to all who loved him, save for one.
no one else...
no one believes he's alive anymore.
it hurts.
put it aside. think only of what's in front.]
...Now you can. [his hands squeeze a little at his back.]
[ Once Yzak's own mind can clear up, catch up, readjust and come to terms with everything happening right now he can help assuage the sting of those barbs in Blue with at least some slightly optimistic news. Unintended but unfortunate, as Yzak's psyche itself has felt wrapped in thorny vines, squeezing and pricking at his heart, so such closeness only assures that it cuts anything that comes too near.
Now he can.
He feels himself wanting to crack all over again (and he's not even recovered!), swallowing hard in an attempt to not cry any more in response to the assurance. Now he can. Suddenly the things he wished for, looked forward to, wanted to do are a possibility, a reality again? It's hard to embrace because they've been long buried and mourned, and the path ahead of him since then without them seemed so desolate and unknown. Something he'd never had in his life before; even if there was a 'future' set for him whether he wanted it or not, there was still something there. Until he realized he wanted something there that he chose.
And now all of those long-buried things ... he has to go back, dig them up, put them back into place and remember where they all fit.
But the fact that he has to go back. The fact that now he can...
Maybe it won't be as hard and as confusing as it all feels right now. Because Blue is here. A piece of his own life and his own soul that had been missing this entire time has returned to him, and somehow his chest despite the hammering of his heart feels a little lighter now. ]
Now I can.
[ He whispers an echo of those words through a tight, cracking voice, eyes closing and tipping his head in to lean his forehead against Blue's. The comfort in that motion eases his weariness some - though he knows he's fine because he has this support and (he's still Yzak Jule he can handle it, he can handle it).
Dawn is breaking, a soft wind slightly tousles his hair. The outdoors feels too uncomfortable and vulnerable right now and everything must feel doubly so for Blue who'd spent these days or weeks alone with little to seek refuge and safety in and nowhere to go and noone to turn to and god he's been in Yzak's home in their dreams he could have just fucking hidden in the attic or something. Regardless, that lack of refuge is quickly rectified in the short return to the Jule Residence at Yzak's insistence; he doesn't want to be out here, he doesn't want Blue to remain out here as that urge kicks in to provide that safer haven for him. Familiar walls that Blue isn't the only one refamiliarizing himself with as real now because Yzak only just returned himself! He feels like an outcast in an entirely different way, and even some of the times he looks at Blue (which in the interim is a lot because he has to make sure he's still there) he feels that weight of time passed.
And in that time hang so many questions. So many things to learn, figure out, to catch up on, to speak of and to ask.
But right now, as Yzak remains close to Blue like a satellite both out of that niggling fear that he'll dissappear and out of concern: ]
Do you want to change? [ He's got plenty of plainclothes and robes and things much more comfortable than whatever Blue was able to procure. ] I'll get you something to drink.
[dead to everyone, save one. alive, but only for one.
dead to everyone...
Blue lets Yzak guide him without protest - this is his world, and really, it's through his will and his life that Blue is here at all. he's...dead to everyone. the uneasy reality is fueled by Yzak's own simmering anxieties and uncertainties about the state of reality as it stands now - the fear of disappearance, of being dead. just like for everyone else.
his expression is withdrawn, rather haunted, but his attention fixes and focuses when prompted. he watches Yzak for a beat before answering.]
I want to kiss you. And I want you to touch me. [to reaffirm he's real and alive. unlike everywhere else.]
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the return
Yzak was beginning to wonder if he'd hit three years on this grand mission on the Ximilia. He came pretty damn close to reaching the mark, and the more time that passed, the longer it all seemed to stretch on.
He'd kept his sights on his goal steadfastly; doing all he could both on missions and whenever he was faced with a personal task, for the sake of his people, for the sake of his home. A promise made years ago when he'd been spared his life despite it being deemed wreched enough to be taken from him. Wreched actions, rightful punishment. From then on, that life was no longer his - it belonged to those he protected, to his friends both who died and who still remained. His own way of accepting the fact that he didn't deserve to be so lucky, yet still doing what he could with the power he still had. Even if the path ahead had to be built by his bloodied hands, at least it would mean a better future so the same mistakes wouldn't be made again. And he was carrying out the dreams of those who could no longer do it themselves anymore.
And while that never changed in him, everything around it did. He met Blue and Blue saw him completely, every awful feeling and bad thought and stupid mistake, peering into his past and present. He looked into his soul and saw all of him: flaws and sins and more ... and loved him. He found things in him that he deemed worthy enough of that love, even when doubt and fear crept their way through Yzak's mind to try and reject it as he fell just as hard in love back. Blue caused a revolution in his life that shook the very foundation of his heart and turned all expectation of what awaited him in his future on its head. But that was okay. It was frightening at first, difficult for him to accept that someone like him deserved something so good and so bright. It was hard for him to separate himself from what he saw as his duty and allow himself to look at a future not out of obligation toward others but for himself and for someone else he loved so much and wanted to make happy. But they both braved what lied ahead, and they began to build a new foundation together.
But then that foundation caved in on itself. And it opened up a fissure deep in Yzak's heart that he carries home with him now. Impossible to fully mend what's broken, also impossible to turn the clock back on and go with the original plan for his life because he's been changed so deeply.
At least he managed to undo his regret. That's one thing that didn't get ripped from his grasp the moment he obtained it.
And after [painful? bittersweet? good and temporary because there's some assurance of some kind of world hopping or something so they can see each other again? who the fuck knows so some adjective goes here] goodbyes between the team, the contracts were fulfilled and they were swept away back home to whatever changed lives awaited them.
Yzak's isn't changed much at all from the outside. The war still ended, the Chairman's Destiny Plan rejected and him defeated, life is in that extremely fragile post-war state where everyone is working and butting heads and trying desperately not to let everything shatter into fighting all over again. The difference is, in space rather than 113 hourglass-shaped space colonies orbiting the Earth with the remains of 6 recently obliterated ones within those clusters, there are 119, all intact. The precious few moments he and his team needed to destroy at least one of the aiming devices of the superweapon Requiem were granted, and the shot aiming toward PLANT missed completely. Those lives were all saved. He'd done something big, something worthwhile for the sake of his people like he swore to do, even if they'll never know it.
Coming home after so long, after so much doesn't feel like much of a homecoming. It almost feels foreign to Yzak, like he's an outsider unsure of where he fits anymore. And yet, to those he knows he's going to see and hear from soon, it will be as though he was not gone at all, expected to simply shift back into the life he was living. And how in the hell is he going to do that? How is he going to explain these new scars on his face? His arm? Fucking hell, he thinks, perhaps he'll just stick to wearing a glove until he can figure that one out, because who's going to believe him if he explains what happened and not be looked at like he was insane??
It's a lot to suddenly need to consider, and on one hand it keeps his mind busy. But the weight that drags on it otherwise leaves a twisting stress in the pit of his stomach. The knowledge that he's here, he's home again with all of the dreams he had about coming home broken and his future so unclear is something that's never been the case for him before. He had a future expected of him that he realized he no longer wanted and gave up on. And the future he actually wanted and chose for himself is gone and impossible because Blue is gone. Gone and never even given the luxury to enjoy the time and the life that Yzak fought so hard to give to him for both of their sakes.
It hurts to be back.
Even if there is fulfillment where duty is concerned, everything else feels akin to a void. He'd fallen to pieces, and though over time he's managed to put himself back together as best he could again, it was and remains hard to figure out because so many of those pieces are missing now. And what can one make out of that that isn't in some manner incomplete?
Yzak decides to focus on the immediate. Confirmation that his regret truly was undone. The current date. What that means for his work schedule. His mother's whereabouts - she returned to their residence on Martius City for a time to tend to some things. His recent texts from Dearka, did he have any plans made? Thankfully it doesn't seem like he has anything to immediately get to, and he considers the merits of taking a few days off. He's tired. Physically. Emotionally. His belongings (as well as all he's placed of Blue's into a box) returned with him, too, awaiting their place in this world when Yzak can bear to get around to it. For now, he only wants to sleep and hopefully awaken with a stronger will to really look at what comes next.
Whatever next he has left. He doesn't know that, either, anymore. It's true that one never knows what their fated day to die is, but it's something else knowing that whatever it is, days or months or decades, it's been cut in half. Something he will never regret giving up but something he still gave all the same that amounted to nothing and serves as another constant reminder of his failure, the sting in his soul that says he got what he deserved and shouldn't have wanted something so wonderful to begin with. But he should be dead already anyway, so part of him feels he can't even be that upset about it.
Yzak stands in his room in his residence on Aprilius One, PLANT's capital city. It's huge and clean with tall walls, plush rugs and towering, full bookcases. A fancy chess set sits atop a table nearby, there's a comfortable lounge chair and a sidetable beneath a lamp next to the bookcases, A desk with a computer and some other portable electronic devices set up for work needing to be done, and his bed is huge and adorned with too many extremely soft pillows for one person. The large window's curtains are drawn back, and he presses his left palm against the window and looks out at the sight he's so used to seeing. Light from other homes nearby, the twinkles from the hustle and bustle of the city in the distance, and at night when PLANT doesn't need to reflect sunlight to give them the blue sky of daytime, space dotted with glittering stars in the sky all around the colony. He sees the other nearby PLANTs lined up, vague silhouettes of the life they likewise contain inside of them. Behind them is the bright blue of the Earth that he orbits. A place he's only been to while on duty, a place he at once even disliked greatly because it was primarily where Naturals still called home after his people had fled to space. A place Blue's yearning and adoration for was so powerful and inspiring that it even rubbed off on Yzak. He wanted Blue to see it one day - not in a book or a memory or a simulation but for real and with his own eyes. The idea of perhaps taking a trip down there that wasn't just to fight was never something he'd really thought about, but in those past dreams of the future they were things that Yzak found himself actually wanting himself if it meant seeing Blue happy. He was quite literally ready to give the Mu the world. His world. And that's because Blue himself had twined his heart and his soul so completely around his own that he became part of his whole world.
But now that world is gone. And he has to face the one that he stands in now and figure out what it's going to be.
That's for tomorrow, though. For now, he just wants to rest. Really rest. As best as he can. Weary in body and weary in spirit, he does as much; he undoes and removes his prosthetic arm from the housing system it links into on his body, he showers, he throws on pajamas and a robe and makes a cup of tea while his hair dries. It's routine, and done in silence - the largeness and emptiness of his home weighing down on him in a way it never really has before. Even though it'd be more fuss than comfort, he almost wishes his mother was here right now, if only to know that he isn't alone when this all still feels oddly like a dream. Finally, he crawls into bed, the familiar comfort of the soft mattress almost like a cloud, and he mutters a low "lights off" as lightsources dim and leave him in the darkness. He pulls in a breath, stares up at the ceiling and the quiet has never felt so loud as it does right now. But eventually, he drifts.
And he sleeps. ]
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The nightmares are relentless. He's losing Blue, he's being pulled away from him and Yzak tries so hard to stop it. He reaches out desperately, trying to take his hand, their fingers just barely graze. And then he feels an overwhelming pain consume him as that outstretched arm gets ripped from his body.
In the nicer dreams his subconscious plays tricks on him. Yzak finds Blue after what feels like a millenia. Or he's already found him and they're together again and he feels whole again. In some of those dreams, Blue speaks his disbelief away: it is a dream, Yzak, but it's lucid. It's real. They're real in waking as much as they are here.
When he wakes, it's always the same. Whether it's a bad dream where he jolts awake, sweating and gasping, or a good dream where he awakens to that fleeting moment of believing the dream was real before the silence and emptiness consumes him all over again, it always hurts. Like a thousand tiny knives scraping across his heart.
Tonight, as he sleeps, it's a nicer dream that begins to form in his subconscious. The type that feels as though it reaches across a distance and intertwines with Blue's own, eventually convincing Yzak that it's real. Until he awakens, of course. ]
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You're calling. I hear it.
[different than the nonsense nothings of a yearning mind. he squeezes his hands.]
You hadn't, for some time...but I hear it now. You're finally, properly here.
[because history hadn't just been static for him here: Yzak Jule here knew nothing of Mu, was just going through the motions of his life untouched by Ximilia or Blue...until he wasn't.
it just took a while to realize. Blue wasn't going to haunt a figure who knew nothing of him forever, not when it was still so uncertain and unsafe for him as such a foreign element.
that didn't mean he gave up trying, now and then. thankfully, this time was different. somehow he believed it would be one day.]
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[ His own eyes gently flutter open, Blue's fingers and skin and soft hair all sensations that feel like they've never gotten unfamiliar in these dreams. Which is probably why Yzak falls into them so easily; they're the only way the subconscious can make them feel as close to real as possible again. ]
No way. [ Stubborn, even in the way he gently presses his forehead a little harder up against Blue's when he says that. ] I'd never stop calling for you.
[ The twining of their fingers tightens just a bit from his end - little drips of desperation seeping in. Yzak being here - in his own bed, in his own home - that's not something of note. But, ]
You're here.
[ It's a statement as much as a question. One unbelieving that it can be true. ]
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[his tone is soft, but certain. he tilts his head and kisses him, pressing for the memory of every kiss they've missed for so long, letting his thoughts flow unimpeded.]
I woke here. I found you, but you did not remember. Not until now. You hadn't caught up yet.
But I had a feeling that...if I waited long enough, you would come back. You gave me plenty of strength with which to wait.
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And unbeknownst to Yzak, still, actually real this time.
Said doubt causes his response to be a little more desperate, and Yzak kisses him back as he untangles one hand (the real one, it's warmer on skin and even here he is considerate) to rest against the side of Blue's neck. It has been so long. Too long. (it always is, here, but how does he knows that...?)
He sits up, bracing himself on his other hand that he reluctantly loosens and makes up for by squeezing his neck softly, barely pulling his lips away. ]
Of course I'd come back..! No matter how much time passed, or how many lifetimes it took. Like anything could keep me from remembering it all. Especially you! [ Said with that same familiar determination he'd put up against the possibility of forgetting it all for good. ]
But we're... [ He glances to the side, recalling what he'd just done upon returning. He was alone. ] dreaming right?
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[Blue's head remains still while Yzak investigates, his freed hand resting over his heart - a pressure, a presence, a fresh anchor.]
For now, yes. But to have found you again, you must not be too far away anymore.
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For now.
Something about those two statements rings odd in his mind. Yzak's heartbeat begins to quicken against that hand on his chest. It's exactly because this is real that he's suddenly so aware of how this has gone before. How this goes every single time.
It's just another dream that pretends it's real. Only this time, he's caught onto it - thus turning it into another nightmare in and of itself. He's had similar enough dreams to this to know.
He swallows thick, his eyes meeting Blue's again, now strained and hurting and grappling with the tangle of dream and reality that muddles all of this. ]
No...
[ Despite the turmoil rising within him and the rejection that begins to push against Blue's consciousness here, he still hangs on because his soul simply reacts to do so. His other hand lifts from the bed now that he's sitting up and he places it over Blue's resting on his chest, robotic fingers curling cold over it. ]
It's always only just a dream. I know that this isn't real, you're not actually here— you're—
[ Gone. ]
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it must've felt far longer to Yzak. he's human. time is different. time...must have been different on the station too, yes?]
Not in the room, no. I don't know where you are from here...but if I showed you what I've seen, would you know, then? Where to find me.
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He can't fall for this again. He won't. Every time he does, it kills him a little more. So he rejects it, consciously and subconsciously. It's a harsh and powerful and painful rejection, full of a grief so heavy that it can only have built up over a long stretch of time.
He rips Blue's hand away from his chest. ]
—you're not here!
[ It's hard to tell if it's the rejection itself that abruptly ends the dream or if it's due to Yzak's need to catch his breath from tossing and turning in his bed.
And like always, he wakes alone and reality sets in. Of course, he thinks as he looks to the window of his room, the first light of day beginning to break. Of course he'd have a dream like that on his first night back, when he's vulnerable and mourning for what could have been, what he wanted so much to be.
Though when he awakens, the franticness of his mind and the strength of his thoughts so focused on the dream, on Blue, are loud enough for the Mu to feel, to pinpoint, to use as a beacon to return to him. ]
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...but not disconnected.]
I'm still here, Yzak.
[he's not so weak anymore; hanging onto Yzak's mind is easier to do, even in the gale of that tantrum. without a dream to linger in, his consciousness hangs onto the fury of those feelings and manifests as the ghostly, blue ghost that he can project of himself.
after giving Yzak a chance to stabilize himself in the waking world, he can be seen standing in the room, slightly transparent thanks to the glow of the morning coming out of the window.]
And if you tell me where it is safe to find you, I can prove that. [but just flying over the city in plain sight...that could just lead trouble to Yzak's doorstep.]
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!?
[ It's like his blood runs cold when he hears the voice in his mind. Time passed for him so long that it feels as foreign and shocking as it did the very first time he experienced it.
Yzak whirls around, eyes wide, the blood draining from his face. There is something to be said about the fact that this projection is a ghost in its own right, but the way he beholds it is truly as though he is seeing a ghost. Something he can't fathom as being real.
And yet his soul reaches out for it anyway, like it always does. ]
... Blue...?
[ The name cracks in his voice because he's lost all breath. He feels his heart pounding in his ears. A beat passes that feels like much longer. His legs feels like lead...
Yet they move anyway. There's a breathless desperation when he answers. ]
I'm here, I'm home.
[ He knows he won't feel a thing, and yet his hand reaches out to that phantom anyway. Every single known way to his home seems to erupt all at once from his subconscious. Shortcuts and alleys, less populated roads, parks and gardens that would be empty in the pre-dawn - he does not think of trouble because nothing else matters right now and he still isn't even sure if this is some trick of the mind. A dream within a dream or hallucinations of a broken, longing heart.
And yet the breeze that softy rolls in from the open window feels real. ]
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From here...from this high... I wonder how far I would walk... [ah-- his eyes open.] I have seen that green space. I know how to find it again.
I can start there.
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thank goodness he has experience making himself something of a mental pest: he can be dogged when need be, and he has the stamina to spare for it now.
he's not the most pristine image of dreams, given time trying to stay obscure means less time is given to preening...and he's had to procure clothes that suit the setting, just as he'd have had to on any new world, but it is him. red eyes are fixed in the direction of Yzak's approach, barely blinking in anticipation, bracing for the wall of apprehension and all that may be just behind it the moment he's finally discovered to be real.
to that point, when he's within actual earshot:]
Yzak.
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A ghost. You're only chasing a ghost.
But drawn even to a false promise to see and feel the warmth of that light that illuminated his very soul again, he'll move toward it, search for it forever if he must because his heart can't help but seek it out with the yearning to feel whole again.
And whether or not Yzak thinks he's still seeing an illusion, nothing of pristineness is present in his mind when his own blue eyes finally land on the other man. Even in the dimness of the coming morning, against the walls and the trees whose branches gently rustle in the breeze and the bushes of the unpopulated area Blue still somehow seems to glow and stand out against it all. He's seen him hurt, sick, dying, and every awful thing in between, and even then he was the image of perfection to him because he was Blue.
His footsteps pause. Yzak's lips part but it's hard to know if any sound comes out whether it's the the uttering of his name or something that gets caught in his throat because it suddenly feels so tight. And then he moves again, closing the distance between them. ]
It's ... really you?
[ Asked after his hand comes up - his left, because the metal prosthetic of his right has no sensation of touch - and nearly expecting it to simply phase through, rests it against Blue's cheek.
It's warm.
He feels his fingertips tremble. ]
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still, he keeps it together, despite his eyes already glimmering and wet. gently, he tilts his head against the hand.]
Yes. My Yzak. I'm here. And so are you.
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Wouldn't it be so nice for those words and this physical confirmation to instantaneously vanish all of those storms away. But it's not so easy when months and months and months of grief and hopelessness and failure have built up, grown into him so much that it eventually became a part of him. And even those emotions are going to need to need attention once they rear their heads later with the irony of their existence.
But through that confusion comes what Yzak can now see, hear and feel in front of him. What's haunted him in dreams and lingered in the corners of his mind in waking. Staring into those beautiful, emotional eyes feels both foreign and familiar; like a lifetime ago and like mere hours. Yet from the mere touch of his face again it suddenly feels like his heart isn't as empty anymore, like the cracked pieces of his soul are wrapping back around the other half meant for it.
He made it. Somehow despite everything Blue's here and nobody knew and that'll hit him later too and piss him off and fuck him up all over again-
But he made it back to him. Like they'd swore they'd do. Even through the suffering always hanging above them they fought so hard to try make that wish come true.
There's a warmth that he feels swell at his core as his expression begins to crack. And then both arms envelope themselves around Blue to pull him into an embrace so tight that his shoulders tremble. Whether Blue even notices or cares that he's pulled in with two arms and the right feels harder and more rigid doesn't even matter. Yzak buries his face into the other man's shoulder, holding onto him as though he chances being torn away from him again. ]
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If it takes a while to believe me...that's fine. You gave me time enough...in order to wait.
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It still feels as though letting go of him will have him whisked away, but it's not as though Yzak has any intention to do that anyway. He can't help at least a bit of all of those months of grief spill out, eyes burning with tears against his shoulder and a couple of tight, hushed whispers of his name.
He barely relaxes his arms - just enough to eventually lift his head and put himself face to face with Blue. And even through that fazed overwhelmed expression there's still that unwavering sharpness in his eyes that's always searching for answers and knowledge. ]
How? You just ... disappeared. [ The brief flash of memory is hazy, a painkiller-addled mind confused and scared and searching and in denial. ] You disappeared so I thought - we all thought you just went back to where and how you came because that's what happens. [ Not without some new contract and price to pay. ] So all this time, [ His voice tightens. ] you've been dead to us, after everything we'd finally managed to do--
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Where I was...
[...]
If that were true, then...there'd be nowhere to go. [because he was already dead to them there.]
But...
If part of why I'm alive...is because of that wish, then...the life in me is back here, where it was supposed to be, right?
[just in a different body.]
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[ Low, soft, still disorientedly attempting to navigate and make sense of anything. Could it be that simple? That the offering of part of Yzak's own life that now burns in Blue tied him here? That it just ... naturally drew itself back where it belonged when he'd left? Something possible but unknown to any of them - even Viv and Degar because if they knew they'd have told him, right? (there were ... many things kept from them, though, some only coming to light when there was no other choice) ]
All we knew, is that you were gone. [ And the weight behind that gone is heavy. There one moment, vanished in the next, just like so many others. Only those others ... at least left a comfort in the knowledge that they had somewhere to return to because they were still alive in their own worlds. There was no flicker of warming light like that for him when it felt as though darkness reared up out of nowhere and swallowed him whole.
And now, suddenly after all that time in it he feels like he's blinded by everything illuminating all at once.
Looking at Blue now, after all this time, after all of the painful truths forced into him and after begrudgingly, mournfully having to accept that reality and the fact that he could do nothing after all he did do just to see it crumble... ]
I thought I'd never see you again.
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no one else...
no one believes he's alive anymore.
it hurts.
put it aside. think only of what's in front.]
...Now you can. [his hands squeeze a little at his back.]
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Now he can.
He feels himself wanting to crack all over again (and he's not even recovered!), swallowing hard in an attempt to not cry any more in response to the assurance. Now he can. Suddenly the things he wished for, looked forward to, wanted to do are a possibility, a reality again? It's hard to embrace because they've been long buried and mourned, and the path ahead of him since then without them seemed so desolate and unknown. Something he'd never had in his life before; even if there was a 'future' set for him whether he wanted it or not, there was still something there. Until he realized he wanted something there that he chose.
And now all of those long-buried things ... he has to go back, dig them up, put them back into place and remember where they all fit.
But the fact that he has to go back. The fact that now he can...
Maybe it won't be as hard and as confusing as it all feels right now. Because Blue is here. A piece of his own life and his own soul that had been missing this entire time has returned to him, and somehow his chest despite the hammering of his heart feels a little lighter now. ]
Now I can.
[ He whispers an echo of those words through a tight, cracking voice, eyes closing and tipping his head in to lean his forehead against Blue's. The comfort in that motion eases his weariness some - though he knows he's fine because he has this support and (he's still Yzak Jule he can handle it, he can handle it).
Dawn is breaking, a soft wind slightly tousles his hair. The outdoors feels too uncomfortable and vulnerable right now and everything must feel doubly so for Blue who'd spent these days or weeks alone with little to seek refuge and safety in and nowhere to go and noone to turn to and god he's been in Yzak's home in their dreams he could have just fucking hidden in the attic or something. Regardless, that lack of refuge is quickly rectified in the short return to the Jule Residence at Yzak's insistence; he doesn't want to be out here, he doesn't want Blue to remain out here as that urge kicks in to provide that safer haven for him. Familiar walls that Blue isn't the only one refamiliarizing himself with as real now because Yzak only just returned himself! He feels like an outcast in an entirely different way, and even some of the times he looks at Blue (which in the interim is a lot because he has to make sure he's still there) he feels that weight of time passed.
And in that time hang so many questions. So many things to learn, figure out, to catch up on, to speak of and to ask.
But right now, as Yzak remains close to Blue like a satellite both out of that niggling fear that he'll dissappear and out of concern: ]
Do you want to change? [ He's got plenty of plainclothes and robes and things much more comfortable than whatever Blue was able to procure. ] I'll get you something to drink.
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dead to everyone...
Blue lets Yzak guide him without protest - this is his world, and really, it's through his will and his life that Blue is here at all. he's...dead to everyone. the uneasy reality is fueled by Yzak's own simmering anxieties and uncertainties about the state of reality as it stands now - the fear of disappearance, of being dead. just like for everyone else.
his expression is withdrawn, rather haunted, but his attention fixes and focuses when prompted. he watches Yzak for a beat before answering.]
I want to kiss you. And I want you to touch me. [to reaffirm he's real and alive. unlike everywhere else.]
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